It Wasn’t Easy in New Jersey, but My Cousins/Aunts Helped…
This was taken at the airport and the last time I saw them. I’m holding adorable Danielle, behind me is Darlene, near the plant is Diana and with glasses is Debbie the eldest of them. I do miss them and they are doing well I hear.
My stepmom Dana Bugayeff had two sisters and two brothers. Her parents moved from the old country Kalmykia to Yugoslavia during World War 1. So my stepmom and siblings were born in Yugoslavia and during World War 2, they immigrated to the US. In fact over 1,500 Kalmyk people immigrated from Yugoslavia, Germany and various parts of Europe to the USA. They brought with them their unique culture, language, dance, religion (Tibetan Buddhism), and strong cultural pride. A proud people, they worked hard and never accepted welfare, and rebuilt their lives from nothing. I’m honoured to be a part of them.
My stepdad had his side of the family living nearby also but I will post about them another time. I had a beloved healer Uncle Baja, and his daughters Gaga Toktun and Susie who I was very close with and I LOVE SO MUCH TILL NOW. Gaga has passed away but Susie is fine with her husband and kids. I love you Susie. I love you Gaga! They had a cool sister Liz, who moved to New York when I was very young, so I didn’t have much of a chance to get close to her (Liz is still in New York, we are in contact).
My step-parents’ ancestors originally settled in Kalmykia during the Genghis Khan conquest of Europe. They are the Mongols who remained in the Western part of Russia which eventually became Kalmykia, and they never returned to Mongolia. There were many Mongols who remained in the various conquered lands to administer khanate rule during the Genghis Khan-Altan Khan-Kublai Khan conquest of Europe, North Africa, Russia and Asia. They became the 70 different types of ethnic Mongols living all over the conquered lands outside of Mongolia. For example, the Mongols living in Xinjiang became the Turkestan Mongols. Then you have the Uzbek Mongols, the Uighurs, the Kalmyks and so on. My birth mom is a Mongol from Xinjiang; my stepmom Dana was from Kalmykia, from the Kalmuk Mongol community.
As for myself, I was adopted to the US from Taiwan, and given to Dana and Boris Bugayeff.
This black and white is a picture of my step-parents Boris and Dana Bugayeff when they first immigrated to the States in the 1950s. Boris Bugayeff was a Kalmuk Mongol born and raised in Russia. Dana was Kalmuk Mongol, born and raised in Yugoslavia. She was in a Nazi concentration camp in Germany before migrating to the USA. Dana, my stepmom, said that their treatment in the concentration camps was not as bad as other people because Germany was an ally with Japan so Asians were ‘ok’ with Germans. To me, this picture always looks like Lucy and Ricky Ricardo of the “I Love Lucy” shows.
The summers were two and a half months of vacation from school. I didn’t like school except for Art and Science classes, and library time. I loved the summers though. In the summer, my step-parents had to work so during the day I had a lot of chores and if I finished them, I could hang out with my neighbourhood friends until my parents got back home from work, and sometimes maybe even afterwards. In my neighbourhood, we had Slavicia Miskovich, Pat Miskovich, Mira Polovino, Dawn Giordano, Greta and Shatzy Meirhauffer and Ray Polovino, and later more kids moved into the neighbourhood. I also had Marc Reed and Nina Noronov who I hung out with too, but they were a couple of streets away. We had Penny and Jenny Fulton who lived down the street and I’d see them often; I liked them but we didn’t play together much. We all lived on West 3rd Street in Howell, New Jersey, and had a lot of fun together. It kind of reminds me of the lazy fun the kids had on Stephen King’s movie “It”. I like that movie because it reminds me of my childhood summers with my friends in New Jersey…boy, those days are sooooo long gone! I do miss those kids though. I am only in contact with Nina these days…I wonder what happened to the rest of them, I would love to know. I hope they are ok…I miss you guys a lot…
My step-parents gave me A LOT of chores. As my mother’s mental health worsened, so did my chores and the abuse I received. We had a two-storey colonial house with four bedrooms, two toilets, living room, dining room, kitchen, family room, study room and a huge basement. To top it off, it was on the site of a half-acre piece of land with a lot of flowers, lawn and vegetable gardens. So when I woke up in the summers, I had to:
- Dust all the wood furniture in the house with Pledge spray and wipe them down
- Vacuum the downstairs and upstairs/stairs, which had a lot of carpets throughout
- Wash the kitchen floor daily with detergent as it was white and got dirty very easily. Clean the cabinets, the tops, clear out the fridge as everything had to be packed away neatly. The kitchen sink was a focal point, it had to be very spick and span clean. I could never break the dishes or cups, and Buddha forbid if I chipped or damaged her good china and crystals. I despised silver polishing her two sets of complete silverware which tarnished very, very, very often. Remember, I was just a kid with no siblings and doing all this alone. My neighbourhood friends were really shocked at how much I had to do and I was shocked at how little they were required to do in their homes!
- Take out all the garbage from the kitchen, bedrooms and toilets. Wash and disinfect the garbage cans when necessary.
- Dust off all the non-wood furniture, of which there was a lot. I hated cleaning the windows, there were so many windows. We had no maids; having maids in the US, especially at that time with ordinary people, was unheard of. I didn’t know anyone with a maid, it was something I saw only in the movies.
- Once a week I had to do a major cleaning of my parents’ bedroom and their furniture. This included changing all the sheets, pillow cases, etc. before they got home. My mother was very particular with her bedroom so I had to be very careful when cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, and polishing. My stepmom had very sharp eagle eyes so I had to be very thorough or she would be furious and I would maybe end up with a severe beating with a mop or cooking utensil.
- Every two weeks I would be dropped off at the laundromat (20 mins away) to do the whole family’s laundry. This meant washing, drying and folding, then going home to put everything away. It would take me maybe five, six hours at the laundromat alone to do all this. But in the summers, my stepmom would make me wash everything at the laundromat, then come home and hang the wet laundry to dry in the hot sun in our backyard (because it would kill germs, she said). It killed me. I hated the laundry. I hated drying laundry in the hot sun because it would take all day. The whole backyard would be filled with drying laundry and I had to watch over it so that the birds didn’t poop all over them…sigh.
- Every day, I would have to weed and water the tremendous amount of marigolds, roses, tulips, and various other flowers she forced me to plant with her in the front garden and sides of our house yard. It took me around two hours to water the flowers every day. If the flowers died, it would be my fault and that would be ‘dangerous’ for me. I vowed never to have a garden when I grew up. Then, she had a huge vegetable garden at the back of the house where she had me grow cucumbers, tomatoes, sunflowers, onions and lettuce. She liked going to the back to pluck fresh vegetables, she said. So we would go to the nursery together in the spring, buy the seeds, plants and flowers, and spend whole weekends planting them (and every weekend maintaining them). She would make me till the ground and get it ready for planting, and mix it with fertiliser and lime so the ground would be ‘sweet’, she said. My palm would bleed from the hard work in the hot sun. I hated gardening. I could only go play after I finished the gardening, so summers were bittersweet.
- We had lawns in the front and grass in the back, and of course I would also have to mow the lawn every two weeks, then bag the grass for the garbage. It was a back-breaking chore. My parents bought a lawnmower for me just to do that! As a kid, it would take me maybe around six hours to mow, clean and rake the yard, and then bag the grass. My stepmom wanted her grass in the front and sides of the yard to be perfect, green and ‘manicured’, but the backyard grass was not a big concern because no one would see them, so they just had to be mowed…it was a lot of grass to mow, trust me.
- Before my parents came home from work, I had to prepare a pot of Mongolian tea (tea bags, condensed milk, salt, butter) for them to drink and it had to be served when they arrived. If there was too much salt or there was not enough milk, there could be some scoldings. When I was around 13 or 14, I also had to cook for my parents and prepare their favourite dishes so when they got home, they would eat. Of course after dinner, it was my responsibility to wash all the plates, pots and utensils, and put them away while they watched TV or read the newspapers.
- I also had to clean both toilets, which meant scrubbing the tiles, bathtub, sinks and polishing the mirrors. My stepmom was very particular about cleanliness and wanted everything very, very, very clean. During school months, I would have to do the same chores on weekends because I had a lot of homework in the evenings. During the fall and winter months, it was too cold for gardening…yeah!!!!! I hated the gardening and the lawns! But in the fall, I had to rake a lot of leaves. We had three huge trees on our property that had millions of leaves that fell, to my dismay as I had to rake them. I hated the fall season because of raking and chores. Those big black plastic bags we have, I would rake enough leaves to fill and bag easily around 30 to 35 of those bags.
- At times my father would invite maybe eight to 10 of his male friends to play cards all night at our house. I would be up the entire night to cook Mongolian tea and food to serve them. When I was younger, my mom would cook the food and go to sleep, and I would stay up the whole night to serve them. After they finished playing cards, I would clean the tonnes of dishes, ashtrays, etc. that they left behind.
- My mom would have bingo parties and invite maybe around 10 to 12 of her female friends. She and I would go shopping for food, spend two days preparing, and she would lay out a buffet with silverware and all. The ladies would eat and play bingo the whole night. Yes, I was the waiter and butler for the entire night. In between, I watched TV till one of the ladies summoned me for coffee, tea, a snack or to clear the plates. The next day there would be tonnes of glasses, china, silverware, pots, pans, etc. to clean and put away. It would take me half a day to clean up pretty much on my own while my parents slept in. They usually had their bingo or card parties starting on Friday night, going on all night to late Saturday night. I would clean on Sunday mornings till the afternoon. It was a lot of work, I dreaded those parties but on the other hand, my mother wouldn’t beat or scold me, or scream at me with her friends around and she would be in a real good mood…so I was off-guard during those times.
I’m just listing some of the things I had to do. There were more and many more ad hoc things, my chores never ended. My friends and cousins didn’t have nearly as much as I had to do and as I got older, when I realised that, I knew something was wrong. My friends and cousins could even joke or play with, and tease their parents!!!! I could never do that.
This is me holding up Princey, my first dog. I named him that and I LOVED HIM SO MUCH. It broke my heart when he grew up and my mom made me keep him outside. I said to myself, “When I grow up, I will be very kind and caring to dogs.” I still miss him.
My stepmom did buy me dogs that I loved, but she would not allow me to take much care of them once they grew up. They just got food and that was it, no medical treatment and no further care. I would be so worried about them in the winter snow. My first dog was Princey and I loved him (I still love him and miss him). Princey was run over by a vehicle and my mom blamed me even though I had no idea he was run over until an old lady down the street told us. I was heartbroken when I went to find his body and bury it. There was no sympathy; my mom blamed me and said I didn’t take care of him. I had previously begged my mom for years to erect a fence around our property so that Princey will be safe, but she wouldn’t so I couldn’t control where Princey went when I went to school, or where he went to sleep because Princey was not allowed in the house after he grew up. After Princey died, I realised that my mom can be quite cruel; it was only later I realised that that cruelty was her disease and not her. But to see Princey’s dead body was devastating to a young boy and to hear he say it was my fault…I knew it wasn’t but she insisted, so I lived with the thought of my dead Princey and it was my fault.
Princey and me, with my biological mother’s mom (my biological maternal grandmother)
This picture was taken in the back of our house and in front is my beloved Princey. I wish I had better pictures of Princey. I didn’t know at that time she was my real grandmother. She brought me from Taiwan to the Bugayeff household in New Jersey, and I know she thought they would take good care of me. My grandmother never knew about the abuse I experienced because later, grandma returned to Taiwan to live and I didn’t see her for another 20 years. For the first few years, she would visit once a year and I loved it. I could feel she really loved me. She would stay for at least two weeks and during that time, my mom would be super nice to me and there were no beatings. My grandmother was one of the few people who cared so much about me and was very physically affectionate towards me, she would shower me with kisses. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH GRANDMA. Even as a child I could feel her genuine love and care towards me, and I wished so much she would return from Taiwan and take me back with her. I didn’t want to be in the US and with the Bugayeffs at all.
This is the house I lived in from 1972 till I left when I was 16 years old. It was me and my step-parents Boris and Dana Bugayeff in this house on 233 West 3rd St, Howell, New Jersey, USA. This was taken during the late fall and beginning of winter, right before the snow started to fall.
Take note:
- Not many flowers and the grass not so green due to cold. But this is to give you an idea of the house and yard. The front of the yard and two sides had to have many flowers. There were hedges to be trimmed, grass to be cut, flowers to be watered daily. All along the left and right side of driveway were flowers too, in the summers. In front of the house, there were also flowers all along and behind the house was the huge vegetable garden. If you see the trees in the back, when the leaves fell, there was a lot of raking of leaves I had to do.
- Mowing of the lawns was a huge task for a kid like me, it’s something I had to do every two weeks.
- Bottom left is the garage. Next to it is the living room and behind it is the dining room, all carpeted. To the right of that is the kitchen window. To the furthest right is my study room and behind that is the family room. The above left and centre windows are my parents’ bedroom, and the right one is mine. Behind us are two more bedrooms and a toilet. There was another toilet downstairs attached to the study room.
- They had three cars; one was the beige one that you see parked in the front. Another was in the garage. Every few years they would get a new car and trade in the old one. They had an OK life.
I am not complaining here, but kind of telling you what my childhood was like. I didn’t enjoy living with my step-parents because in between, as I got older, the beatings, scoldings, punishments, and groundings became more and more frequent. I ran away three times. Two of those times, the police brought me back. The third time I escaped to California and never went back. I loved my stepmom. She was not evil; deep in her heart, she was very kind and I saw that. She was very generous and bought me a lot of toys. It’s just as her schizophrenia got worse, her mental disposition worsened dramatically and I was usually the one to bear the brunt of her anger. She had nowhere and no one else to take it out on and unfortunately for us, her disease was not diagnosed until much later (many, many years after I left home). If she had gotten it treated earlier, maybe I would not have run away; it was really hard being physically beaten so often and yelled at, I lived in a constant state of fear and attempted suicide twice while living with her. It was only 30 years later when she was diagnosed with schizophrenia and got medication. According to my step-sister Lidshma, after that she calmed down a lot. Lidshma said, “If only mom had gotten medication decades ago, then her’s and my life would have been drastically better.”
I agree with her. I arrived to the Bugayeff household in 1972 and just a few months later, Lidshma moved out to go to college and she never moved back again, much to my sadness. I wanted her to be around because I was very lonely with just my step-parents, I wanted a sibling. I used to think she was so beautiful and smart, and how proud I was to have a sister like her.
When I was living in New Jersey with them, my stepmom had wonderful relationships with her brothers (Uncle Naran and Uncle Giga) and sisters (Aunt Meda and Aunt Elena) and their kids. All their kids were my cousins. I love my cousins. They were fun, creative and very bright, and could talk back to their parents, to my shock. To my double shock, they didn’t get yelled at for talking back or beaten like I was. Uncle Giga’s lovely wife, Aunt Matza, was another favourite aunt who was very outspoken and very direct but never rude. Aunt Matza knew what was happening in my household. One time after I ran away and was caught and brought back home, she told me not to run away anymore. She didn’t go into any details, but she said she knew what was happening. She said, “Don’t run away because it is dangerous” and that I can STAY WITH HER FAMILY. I was like, “Really??” and she said yes. I was so moved. I went home and cried. I never told my step-parents what Aunt Matza offered me, I dared not. I couldn’t believe she wanted me, knowing my mother’s violent outbursts. I entertained the idea of moving in with her and her four kids, but I dared not. I knew if I did, it would create so much family discord and fighting, and make my step-parents lose face. They hated to lose face; what they did to me was a secret, or so they thought. I couldn’t bear the thought of my Aunt Matza getting screamed at by my mom, and my mom at that height of her schizophrenia would have caused a lot of trouble for Aunt Matza. I know my mom…so for that reason, I never even dared think to move in with her and instead chose to run away completely at 16, and that is another blog post. I thank you Aunt Matza for caring so much for me back then, I have never forgotten your care and I APPRECIATE YOU AND I LOVE YOU ALWAYS. Thank you. What you said meant so much to a little kid like me and I want you to know that. I was a victim then, but I am not a victim now and I have forgiven my stepmom years ago and pray for her.
This is my lovely Aunt Matza who is a direct, straightforward, no-nonsense lady with a heart of gold. I will always love you, Aunt Matza.
I also got along very well with Aunt Meda’s four girls. Aunt Meda was my mother’s youngest sister. I love Aunt Meda. She had four beautiful daughters with her husband Uncle John who was a Mongolian from France. Uncle John passed away early in the girls’ life, and Aunt Meda worked REALLY HARD and raised them single-handedly herself. She worked overtime in factories to support them, and never dated or re-married after Uncle John passed. We all respected Aunt Meda so much. She made just enough money to get by for her and the girls, and we all saw this and prayed for her. Aunt Meda is such a tough, honourable lady; a lady from the old country that put her family first, and her own happiness didn’t matter. And although she didn’t have much money, Aunt Meda was always very kind and nice to me and everyone else. She’d drive her kids around in a old station wagon that drove around with a lot of love.
Her lovely daughters are Debbie, Darlene, Diana and Danielle Polchinoff. So we called them the DP Girls (hehehehe) as all their names started with ‘D’ and, of course, ended with ‘P’.
Maybe once a month, on weekends, Aunt Meda would visit with the girls. I would love it; my stepmom and Aunt Meda would talk, watch TV and eat while me and the girls would play in the yard. We got along very well, I loved being with them. I was a big bully and I would be in charge, of course hehehehe sometimes Debbie would ask how come I was in charge, and Darlene would also chime in the protest. Diana was like, “Whatever” and Danielle just tagged along being super cute. I just told them, “I’m bigger” and that was that hehehe
MOST EXCITING was when Aunt Meda invited me to stay in her house for a few weeks in the summers. She would have to work during the day and late into the night, and the girls were alone. They lived in Lakewood, around 45 mins drive in the next town over from Howell. It was shocking that my mother agreed to let me stay there and babysit them when I was around 11, 12, 13 and 14 years old. I think I remember my age correctly. My stepmom loved her siblings; she loved Aunt Meda and saw how she struggled working alone. So I packed my bags and moved in for around five weeks to Aunt Meda’s house in Lakewood. I loved it, I loved being with them. Aunt Meda scolded us when necessary but it was never a lot. She didn’t ever beat me and she was not so fussy regarding her house to be clean. She was neat and clean but not fanatical like my mom. The girls and I would do chores, clean, etc. but we played, watched TV shows and cartoons, and sang most of the day. We loved Donna Summers so we would sing all her songs. I was the lead singer and they had to be the background girls. Debbie and Darlene protested and asked WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS THE BACKGROUND AND I’M THE LEAD hehehehe I told them, “Because I’m bigger and a better singer”. They didn’t like the reasoning so I let them be Donna Summers for one or two songs, then I’d take over again. Danielle was just a toddler so I changed her diaper, put her to sleep, fed her and did a real good job watching her. Even Aunt Meda was surprised I was such a good babysitter. Sometimes Aunt Meda would have a Sunday off and she’d pack a picnic basket and take us all to spend a day at Lakewood Lake, just swimming and eating all day. We loved those times. Sometimes she would take us to the park to run around, scream and jump hehehe Aunt Meda even took us to try tennis once. I twisted my ankle and that was the end of my tennis career.
While I was with Aunt Meda and the girls, I would count how many days I had left to be with them. I really dreaded the housework, beatings, loneliness and screaming at my home but I dared not voice it to Aunt Meda. She knew but couldn’t say anything as it was her older sister and it would be disrespectful. Aunt Meda’s way of helping me was to take me to her home for weeks in the summers. I am grateful to her forever. I know now as an adult what she was doing for me. She didn’t create discord with my mom and her, but she helped me. I remember one summer when it was time for her to take me back home already and she didn’t have a lot of money then, but she took me to a department store and bought me a pair of jeans. Wow, I loved jeans and wanted them but my parents hadn’t let get me jeans as they said it was sloppy. I loved the jeans because that was what everyone in school was wearing, and now I had them too! But I loved the jeans more because they came from Aunt Meda and her kind heart. I appreciated the jeans so much.
I felt so sorry for Aunt Meda when she returned from working overtime and was so tired. The girls would give her a massage and I would happily serve her food. I used to joke and tease Aunt Meda as she is a real good sport. I wasn’t ever allowed to do that with my parents. After a while, Aunt Meda would get tired of my dumb jokes and stupid ‘pick’ questions and tell me to shut up so she can rest, which would make me and the girls giggle non-stop because the way she said shut up was really funny. She wasn’t fierce at all but a very cute lady. Hehehe I was scared of her not because she was mean or nasty, but because she was an adult and also I respected her a lot. I saw how hard she worked. I wished she was my mother at that time.
Darlene in the maroon and Diana in the purple
Me, Debbie and Diana
I had the DP girls pose in the light and had them stand in a cool fashion hehehe I took this picture, it being the last picture I took of them. I love these girls. Before I found out I was adopted, I thought I was really their blood relative. Even after I found out I was adopted, nobody talked about it. But these girls and a few other cousins and aunts never treated me like I was not blood family. I am indebted to them.
My beautiful, lovely, hardworking, funny and tough Aunt Meda. I LOVE HER. She was always kind to me and always accepted me as part of her family. She is well taken care of by her four lovely daughters. She is always my aunt in my mind.
Here are three of the DP girls all grown up and still singing hehehe from left to right are Darlene, Debbie and Diana. Looks like being my background girls in those summer days had a ‘psychological’ effect on these girls for life hehehehe just kidding ladies!
Or view the video on the server at:
https://video.tsemtulku.com/videos/onceuponatime1978.mp4
Dear DP girls, I found this video of Donna singing one of our favourite songs that we used to sing along to while playing her records. I dedicate this to you girls and all the wonderful summers we spent together. I will never forget them and how they enriched my life beyond what you could know or imagine.
I was always amazed how loving your mom Aunt Meda was and how lucky you girls were to have her for a mom. I was lucky to have her as a aunt. I thank Aunt Meda for her care for me. I really love Aunt Meda and Aunt Matza. These two aunts took a lot of pity on me and cared for me.
I love all of you always and always wish you the best.
Tsem Rinpoche (your cousin)
This Donna Summers video has not been posted for any reason except to share with friends and relatives. I mean no infringement to copyright whatsoever. It is strictly for sharing purposes. All contents belong to owner.
For more important articles:
- Happy family for Kalacakra
- My First Guru in New Jersey
- Kalmyk People’s Origin -VERY INTERESTING
- Tsem Rinpoche Bio Group Goes to USA
- Avalokiteshvara, Turkey Swamp, Marc & Me
- When I Had No One Else…
- The Promise – Tsem Rinpoche’s inspiring biography now in ebook format!
- My Previous incarnation
- Tsem Rinpoche’s heritage in China
- Tsem Rinpoche’s Torghut Ancestry | 詹杜固仁波切的土尔扈特血统
- My Childhood in Taiwan…Revisiting…
- My Short Bio in Pictures
- Fotomat and Me | 我和Fotomat
- Tsem Rinpoche in an American ‘Tantric Dress’!!!
- Kyabje Zong Rinpoche Cuts My Hair
- I’m Requesting Ordination in 1987
- Why I Conceived of Kechara Soup Kitchen or KSK
- How Geshe Tsultrim Gyeltsen changed my life
- The Cowshed That Was My Home in Gaden
- Kyabje Zong Rinpoche with Lama Yeshe and Geshe Tsultrim Gyeltsen
- Dharma Work, Attitude & TDL | 佛法工作、态度及图登达杰林佛法中心
- Geshe Tsultrim Gyeltsen’s special thangka | 属于格西簇亲格而辛的非凡唐卡
- My Precious Kyabje Zong Rinpoche statue
- His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche’s Precious Teaching Collection
- Short sharing about Kyabje Zong Rinpoche | 关于嘉杰宋仁波切的简短分享 | ༧སྐྱབས་རྗེ་ཟོང་རྡོ་རྗེ་འཆང་གི་སྐོར་བགོ་འགྲེམས་མདོར་བསྡུས།
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Hello and thank you for your very interesting history. I am a good friend of Lidshma Bugayeff and Sagan Tatninov from when we attended Southampton College in 1969. I would love so much to reconnect with them and am hoping you may know how I may get in contact with them. Thank you so much!
1984 Los Angeles-Left to right: Geshe Tsultrim Gyeltsen, His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche, monk assistant to Zong Rinpoche and the 18-year-old Tsem Rinpoche prior to ordination. Read more- https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/category/me
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A poem inspired by seeing a picture of my teacher, Kyabje Zong Rinpoche…
In the sport of correct views,
all that is correct is just a view,
without permanence or substance.
As long as we hold onto views,
our sufferings are gathered
to be experienced without end.
Without the strong methods of emptiness
and compassion, bereft of merit,
we sink deeper without respite.
To arise from this samsara is but
a dreamscape on the deluded mind.
Therefore seek the guru, who confers the yidam,
hold your vows and fixate on liberation
free of new creations. Free of new experiences as
there are none.
~ Tsem Rinpoche
Composed in Tsem Ladrang, Kuala Lumpur on July 7, 2014
I was walking past a second hand shop on Western Ave selling old things. They had a Japanese-style clay Buddha which was beige in colour on the floor, holding the door open. I thought the shopkeeper would collect a lot of negative karma without knowing if he kept such a holy item on the floor as a doorstop. So I went in to talk to him, but he didn’t look like he wanted to talk or that he even cared. So I asked him the price and he said US$5. I purchased it so he did not collect more negative karma. I was 17 years old and that was in 1982.
I escorted my new Buddha home and washed it lightly and wiped it. I placed it on my altar and was happy with the Buddha. I would do my meditations, prayers, sadhanas, mantras and prostrations in front of this shrine daily. When I left for India in 1987, I could not bring this Buddha along and gave it to a friend. It was a nice size and I made offerings to this Buddha for many years in Los Angeles. In front of the Buddha I placed His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s photo. I remember I was so relieved that the price was affordable. But US$5 that time was still expensive for me but worth it I thought. But I was happy to have brought the Buddha home. Tsem Rinpoche
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Tsem Rinpoche at Kechara Forest Retreat, Bentong, Malaysia
Every of us have a story to tell of our childhood days. Its sad to read about our Guru experience as a child. Life is not a bed of roses for Rinpoche and it wasn’t that easy living in New Jersey. All those sorry, pain and suffering has inspired Rinpoche to be even stronger. Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your personal stories
H.E. the 25th Tsem Rinpoche is very devoted to his root guru, H.H. Zong Rinpoche.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing Rinpoche’s personal story. It is such a strong reminder for us to be grateful for the easy childhood and adulthood we have taken for granted.
House chores is something “for the maids” in the perception of today’s youth. Never had I have to do house work until I loved away to Switzerland and even then, my mum would help or do the thorough cleaning when she visits. Yet, we do not appreciate our parents enough or say “thank you” to our home helpers enough”.
I am glad that Rinpoche had aunts and cousins that were the silver lining on cloudy days. I learn from Rinpoche’s story that there are always silver linings if we would just look for them.
I hope that RInpoche’s sharing will continue to inspire others to be grateful for our blessings and show appreciation for the things that are have.
As per my little knowledge you had a tragic past Rinpoche la but this is a common phenomenon with every great Tulku Rinpoche’s life . Tragedy in one form or another is imminent. Even the Buddha lost his mother a few months after his birth._()_
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Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you so much for sharing your personal information.
I hope and pray that this story reach your family and cousin’s so that they know how much they mean to u…
it is really inspiring…..and helped me to reflect how i deal with others….
Wow, this story is so familiar with Cinderellas story 😀 😀 (was one of my favorite tales)… It’s hard to believe how such wonderful people can have such hard childhood… Now i realized how incredibly happy childhood i had, compared to this story…
Dear Rinpoche,
After reading your biography, I cried continually!!!!! It is very sad one. Now may you benefits many people!!!!!! Our prayers are always with you!!!!!
Dear rinpoche
Please dont think people who adopt kids dont love them.iI ve an adopted child and I love him so much. He faces lots of troubles like ADD but still I cant think of life without him. I ve even given up my career to take care of him. May god bless you. Please pray for my little boy.
Dear Antie, Do many Manjushri praises and mantras for the boy. If he can recite, even better. TR
Dear Rinpoche,
Tears rolled down my checks, hair on my body stood up and there was a cool feeling and pain deep inside my heart when i went through your biography.Rinpoche i really felt pity on you and even i wished if i where near by you to know your pain and care for you.
Thanks rinpoche for sharing your personal matters and i pray and wish to meet you one day personally.Long live holiness!!! May the Buddha Dharma flourish worldwide until samsara is emptied.
Thank you to Aunt Meda to care and be so kind with Rinpoche as well as her 4 girls. What an angel!
Rinpoche, what was your Uncle Naran’s wife’s name? Was it something like “Hani”? (I heard it on one of your Youtube videos.)
My Uncle Naran wife’s name is Aunt Honey. They lived in Philadelphia.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your personal history with us. To see what you have become after going through all that is indeed inspiring to many people.
Dear Rinpoche,
We met the rest of the DP Girls last night (Darlene, Diane and Danielle), their respective spouses and kids, as well as the wonderful Aunt Meda. Again, as with all Kalymk tradition, we were fed to the brim, and even had a bag (and a massive one, mind you) to go! It was really lovely feeling the warmth in the family, and the bond that the DP Girls shared between themselves and Aunt Meda. I can now see how Rinpoche always had an amazing time with them – they’re so fun, so lively! I love the Kalmyk tradition and culture.
Going to the White House today. Diane’s husband (JB) will be taking us on the tour. Should be exciting. We are going to do more interviews throughout the day, over here in VIrginia as well as in New Jersey. 🙂
This experience has been breathtaking thus far. I cannot even begin to express the gratitude I feel to Rinpoche as well as to Martin for allowing me to be part of this project. A mere thank you will be an understatement. But I shall cherish this opportunity, and offer what is my little help in helping Rinpoche spread the Dharma. 🙂
Thank you.
Dear Rinponche,
The days are unfolding like screenplay pages turning. EXT. QUAINT LOOKING STREET – DAY….. The squirrels are running around. The leaves on the trees are gradually changing towards orange. The CAMERA DOLLIES to a magnificent built house……
The more interviews that have been conducted, I have experience how consistent all your relatives & friend describe about you. Funny, compassionate, kind, always helpful, loud. Images are forming in my mind how wondrous the project can be when it hits the silver screen. I see a trilogy in the making.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Dear Rinpoche,
Last night, Sara, Aunt Matza, your cousins and family invited us into their home and threw us a big Kalmykian-style party. They were so generous, warm and always laughing and joking. I am glad they were in your life in then. The stories we have heard, they always speak about your compassion and of course, how funny you were. It struck me that no matter whom we spoke with, family and friends from the temples you went to as a child, everyone said looking back and now; it is very obvious that you are meant to do great things and spread dharma.
Thank you for allowing me to personally see your journey. In following your journey, I am starting to question & reflect on my own.
Warmest wishes,
Dee Dee
For the last 4 days, a group of 11 of us have been in New Jersey doing research and conducting interviews with all these people who Rinpoche has talked about in this blog post. It’s been an incredible experience to see the kind of people that Rinpoche grew up with. Times were hard living amidst all the abuse from home, but the other people around him were an incredible family. We have been learning all about the Kalmykian heart of generosity, warmth and kindness and can see now that so much of Rinpoche does for others has been a part of his life and family since he was a young child.
Consistently, people have talked about Rinpoche’s kindness, enormous sense of humour and ability to have fun, as well as his incredible perseverance for Dharma, despite the huge opposition from his parents.
Thank you Rinpoche for showing us this part of your life. It is really coming alive now for those of us who are here and meeting all these people in the flesh.
It is indeed a WOW!to read Rinpoche’s growing up years in Howell, New Jersey. As a teenager you had a lot of chores to do while most kids play and had fun.
Nowadays, children are so fortunate and spoiled through their parents’ love and wanting the best for them. With a maid (some households have more than one), education, tuition, electronic gadgets, holidays abroad, good food, nice clothes, etc.
I wish I were a teenager now! I have to work towards that my kids do not grow up to be monsters in this day and age.
Thank you, Rinpoche, for sharing your intimate thoughts of your life back then.
Day 2 in New Jersey, and I feel that Rinpoche is with us at every step of the way. Whilst visiting Rinpoche’s old house in Howell, I could picture Rinpoche as a young boy riding Rinpoche’s bicycle up and down the street and playing. Even the surroundings at Nitsan temple, I felt Rinpoche’s presence as I imagined Rinpoche admiring the greenery and serenity that surrounded the temple. It gives me the chills each time as I embrace this opportunity bestowed upon me.
One thing I have learned so far from observing everyone on the trip is the immense guru devotion that everyone has towards Rinpoche, Rinpoche’s devotion to his gurus, as well as the other geshe-la’s (that I have met) devotion to their gurus. It is through the faith in one’s guru that will allow their spiritual journey to grow. This is something I am beginning to grasp, understand and practice for I know that with this, it will be the beginning of my spiritual journey.
Rinpoche, thank you for blessing me with this opportunity to be part of such a momentous project.
With folded hands,
Carmen
Dear Rinpoche,
Reading your blog brought back my memories when I was a little boy,my family stayed with my paternal grandfather until I was 6 years old.
I had a puppy in my house when I was about 3 or 4 years old,I remembered the puppy died, after spending a very short time with us,it was about 1 or 2 weeks, I remembered that they dug a hole in the garden and buried it,all of us, my grandfather,my parents and I stood around the burial site silently after it was buried, I felt very sad but everyone else was not showing any sadness, I felt that I was not allowed to express my sadness.I still miss my puppy,it was my first puppy..
Indy Wong
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for sharing so candidly your childhood experience of great misery owing to your stepmum’s schizophrenic problem.Yet, I am glad that you had bright moments when you stayed with your lovely aunt and cousins.I do hope that our ‘biography research’ team will meet up with your aunt and cousins and let them know how grateful we are for their kindness.
You have given us, in this sharing, a fine example of forgiveness and letting go.
My own fearful childhood did leave me traumatized for a long time.My father had been disappointed in not getting a son after my sister. I was dressed in boys’ clothes until his death and just before I started school.My hair was cropped short like a boy’s.
I was terrified of him and even when my finger was almost smashed when he slammed the car door on it, I remember my fear kept me quiet and in silent suffering of the pain.
My name is Han nee because my dad wanted to give me up for adoption to a lady whose last name was ‘Han’, so ‘Han nee’ meant ‘Han’s child’. His plans didn’t work out but my name remained with me.
I lived in terror of my dad. After he died, I kept hearing funeral drums and would run and hide myself in great fear.
I think I never actually let go of this traumatic childhood until I came into dharma and understood the workings of karma and that I myself had created the cause for all these to manifest. More so do I find it easy to let go and forgive and forget now,when I read about Rinpoche’s more traumatic childhood and see the ease and graciousness in your act of letting go and forgiving.
I can even now see that I was an unlovely child, who didn’t know how to smile nor greet my father with warmth and a cheerful face.
Thank you Rinpoche.
Dear Rinpoche,
you really had a hard time as a child I whish for no children to be foreced to have but I´m very very happy you realized it wasn´t your fault your little Princey dog died and the whole situation as a child wasn´t anybodys fault.
Love
Helen Karuna
It is touching how you open up for everybody on this blog and made think about it. Even though I was not adopted I had also some of this kind of experiences. My mother hate everything that is not Christian catholic and I also had to endure a lot for my interest in Indian spirituality and Buddhism. She use to destroy my books and my photos with spiritual masters and one photo with Dalai Lama that I had. I also had to work the same kind of work around the house, and I run away in a ashram when I could. I did years of prayers and meditations to stop my father drinking and beating. I learned to accept them as they are and not to hate them. As you teach and also Dalai Lama said, all bad experiences and people like this can be your guru for compassion practice.
Dear Rinpoche,
Many thanks for having the trust to share with us on your childhood experience.
It was really heartbreaking and almost traumatic to experience so many unpleasant events during the childhood years. It had made Rinpoche a great Guru today through all the hardship.
I had also learned another thing from the sharing, “Forget and Forgive”. And be grateful to the benefactors.
Thanks Rinpoche for sharing.
Andrew Chiam
Dear Andrew
So glad that you are now reading Rinpoche’s blog. Keep it up as you will learn more and understand better as you go along.
Hi Rinpoche,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write about your childhood in New Jersey even though you are so busy with your work and teaching.
You certainly have been through so much at such a young age. I feel very sorry and sad for the kind of childhood you had experienced. And I truly honour you that inspite of all that bad childhood you are still so loving, grateful and forgiving and filled with compassion. We all have much to learn from you.
I have been following what you have written about your life and my own conclusion is that all your experiences have made you an excellent RINPOCHE. From difficult childhood to Hollywood and more have made you a very good Guru who can teach us all in a even more richer manner of practising Buddhism and that we all can understand and relate better.
I have tried to read about Buddhism since I was a teen but only just then that I have found your books that really make me understand clearly of the teaching – THANK YOU. I must also thank my brother, David Chua, my sister-in-law, Yvonne and my niece, Zoe, for introducing me to your books and Kachara during my recent visit to Kuala Lumpur. Without them I would not have get to know about you – I am so grateful.
BTW I have also learn something about the Mongolian history in this blog, thanks.
You have written very well and in so details, well done Rinpoche!
Much appreciated and big thank you for sharing with us.
It is the past and we don’t hang on to it but we certainly have a lot to learn from it.
Thanking you and may you be filled with happiness always,
Betty
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this up close and personal information of your childhood with all of us. With so much hardship that Rinpoche had gone through during childhood, yet Rinpoche has excelled and become a great leader to guide us through life with great care and compassion.
I hope that the DP sisters will be able to read up this heartfelt article.
I can imagine the sadness you felt when you were at the airport saying goodbye to your relatives. I guess you would have cried knowing you would not see them again for a very long time or never at all. Thank you Rinpoche for writing about your childhood and also the good times and bad times in your life. It makes people understand you more and why you making people do the things they dread to do. And you are very particular about showing gratitude and love that you have got through your experience that you had with your stepmom, her two sisters and their daughters. You also teach us to forgive those who have been unkind to us. Sometimes it is not the intention for it to happen but circumstances such like sickness in the case of your stepmom. She had schizophrenia. Rinpoche has given teachings through the good and bad experiences with his stepmom, two sisters and their daughters are for us to learn forgiveness, love and gratitude.
dear rinpoche,
thank you for sharing so much of your personal information with us. (with such details and lenght)
I’ve always been an ardent fan of your blogs… after reading this article, you highlighted that there are still many sunshine moments during such cloudy times.. and how these moments no matter how fleeting can be so cherished and memorable.
I wish and hope this article can reach your cousin’s, so they know how much they mean to you…
best wishes,
Kenny Wong
Dear Rinpoche, after reading this i just want to give you a hug 🙂
Thank you for taking the time to post this and to remind me of the daily opertunities i have to benefit others in my actions, and of the harm i could do if i am not careful.
Jon