When I was growing up in Howell, New Jersey, there were three temples quite close by to me. One was Nitsan Temple, which was around the corner from our family home. I would often cycle there to hang out in the main prayer hall. Another temple was a little further away, it was called Tashi Lhunpo or Olna Gazur. That was the one my family ‘belonged’ to, due to the Kalmyk tribe we are from (Torghut). We would have to drive there and that was where we attended many festivals and cultural celebrations.

Then there was a third temple which was Rashi Gempil Ling or RGL. It was across Highway 9 from my home and that is where my first guru lived and taught. My first guru was His Eminence Kensur Rinpoche Lobsang Tharchin of Sera Mey Monastery, and he was a direct student of His Holiness Kyabje Pabongka Rinpoche. Kensur Rinpoche had arrived in Howell in 1970, which was just one year before I arrived from Taipei, Taiwan where I was born. I had been adopted over to Howell by a Kalmyk-Mongol family and although they were Mongol and Buddhist, my adoptive parents did not approve of me going to the temple all the time. Going once in a while was fine but since I was their only son, they wanted me to pursue the American Dream, go to school, get a college degree, get a job, give them grandchildren, carry on the family name, all of that.

But I didn’t want that. I wanted to become a monk, I wanted Dharma. I wanted to go to the monastery and become a monk, and study and practise and do retreats. So, my adoptive parents tried their best to stop me from going to the temple. They would beat me, shout at me, and they punished me when they found out that I had been to the temple. They even told me all sorts of things about Kensur Rinpoche which were vulgar and all untrue, because they wanted to lessen my faith in him, thinking I would stop going. Of course, their attempts didn’t work but they still kept trying. Actually, they didn’t do this because they were being cruel but because they didn’t know any better. All the things they wanted for me, THEY thought was best for me which of course, it wasn’t but they didn’t know that.

His Eminence Kensur Rinpoche Lobsang Tharchin

So, in spite of their beatings and punishments, I kept going. I would find every excuse to go to the temple and spend time there. If there were jobs to be done at the temple, I would volunteer to do them. Cut the grass, wash dishes, clean the yard, pick up the leaves – it didn’t matter what it was, it could be anything just so I could stay a little longer there. I wanted to serve my guru in any way I could and as I was doing the chores, in my child’s mind, I was always hoping that Kensur Rinpoche would look out of a window and see me and say, “What a good boy” and praise me, which of course he never did.

In fact, in the nine years I was at RGL, Kensur Rinpoche never once smiled at me, let alone praise me. He only scowled or frowned at me, and always showed me a serious face. Kensur Rinpoche knew what I wanted, which was praise and approval, and he never gave it to me because he knew it would only make my pride grow bigger. So Kensur Rinpoche was never unkind but also never showed he was happy with me. I know Kensur Rinpoche cared about me very much because he often shooed me home. He knew what was happening at home and how my parents were beating me, and Kensur Rinpoche knew how upset they would be if they found out where I was. He didn’t want to get me in trouble.

But one time, Kensur Rinpoche invited me into the kitchen to eat momos and oh my god, it was one of the best days of my life! I was so, so, SO happy. After I was done and I had washed up, of course Rinpoche immediately shooed me to go home. Another time, I picked some flowers, wrote a note and offered it to Kensur Rinpoche. Not directly of course. I placed the flowers on the porch of a student’s home where Rinpoche was giving teachings, rang the doorbell and ran away. Someone came out to the porch, saw the flowers and brought them in to Kensur Rinpoche. I was told that when Kensur Rinpoche read the note, he smiled. I could not believe that I had finally done something that made my guru smile!

Then, when I was going to join Gaden Monastery and become a monk, I went back to New Jersey and I told Kensur Rinpoche about it. Kensur Rinpoche was very pleased and gave me a big smile and said I was doing the right thing. Wow. He said I was doing the right thing. You cannot know how much his words gave me great bliss. I trusted him fully.

Later, when I had actually arrived in Gaden, I was very poor and had very little food to eat. I wrote to my relatives, parents and other people but no one helped at all. Finally, I asked Kensur Rinpoche for help and he immediately arranged for one of his students to send me US$50 per month. Which at that time was more than enough for me to survive and be ok in Gaden.

The altar of Rashi Gempil Ling

So, this great master helped me so, so much, more than you can imagine. I received initiations from Kensur Rinpoche, including Vajra Yogini, and it was also at RGL that I first saw an image of Dorje Shugden. It was in the closet of Kensur Rinpoche’s attendant, a monk by the name of Lothar. One time, Lothar had left me alone so I went into his room and opened up his cupboard because I wanted to see what a monk kept. I wanted to know what it was like to be a monk, what items a monk has, what they keep and all of that so I opened up Lothar’s cupboard to investigate. On the top shelf of the cupboard, there was a black and white image of a Buddha with a cup of tea in front of it.

Just as I went to pick up the image for a closer look, Lothar came into the room, caught me and asked me what I was doing. I asked Lothar what the image was and he said something like it’s not for me, shut the cupboard door and ushered me out of his room. I asked Lothar many times who the Buddha was but he just kept saying it wasn’t for me. The next day, I tried again but this time, Lothar had locked his door. So, I never found out who the Buddha was and it wasn’t until years later that I finally realised that the image in Lothar’s cupboard was Dorje Shugden.

Of course, me always going to the temple caused conflict with my parents and eventually, they started to spread rumours about Kensur Rinpoche. I guess they thought if everyone in the community thought badly of Rinpoche, I would too and I would stop going but I didn’t. And actually, Kensur Rinpoche knew they were doing this but he never once retaliated.

This became too much for me. It was one thing if my parents were beating me but now they were trying to hurt my teacher too. So, I had to leave and to cut a long story short, it was around that time when I ran away to Los Angeles. My adoptive parents and I just didn’t have the karma to be together.

In Los Angeles, I was introduced to Geshe Tsultim Gyeltsen at Thubten Dhargye Ling Dharma Centre. When I was there, as per the proper guidelines of a teacher-disciple relationship, I called Kensur Rinpoche and requested him for permission to study with Geshe-la. If Kensur Rinpoche had not given me permission, I would never have stayed with Geshe-la. If Kensur Rinpoche had said ‘no’, I would have walked out and never looked back. But Kensur Rinpoche said yes, told me that Geshe-la was a great master and scholar, and even told me to treat Geshe-la in the same way I would have treated Kensur Rinpoche.

When I put the phone down, I immediately offered three prostrations to the phone I had just used to speak to my first guru. And I reflected on the qualities of my guru. I thought, what an incredible master I had been able to study under for all these years so far. All Kensur Rinpoche wanted was for me to gain attainments and there was no ego or jealousy about his student studying with another teacher, or anything like that. So, it was because of Kensur Rinpoche that I stayed with Geshe-la and served him and studied under him for the next seven years and learned so, so much before I went to India to become a monk. Geshe-la taught every single weekend and took care of me, guided me, advised me, scolded me and nurtured me. It was through Geshe-la that I eventually met my root guru His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche.

And all of this was made possible because of Kensur Rinpoche’s kindness.

So, after 26 years, in 2013 I finally returned to the USA. And of course, one of the places I wanted to visit was Rashi Gempil Ling. I wanted to pay my respects at the centre of my first teacher, where I received so much knowledge, training, kindness, nurturing, teachings, initiations, love and blessings. I wanted to go there, offer a khata on my guru’s throne, pay my respects to his reliquary stupa, offer incense, recite prayers and spend some time in the place where I had grown up and Kensur Rinpoche had been so kind to me.

But I was unable to enter the temple. I knew I would be unwelcome because I practise Dorje Shugden and I am outspoken about my practice, and Rashi Gempil Ling has given up Dorje Shugden whom our guru Kensur Rinpoche relied on. I had heard from multiple sources that I wasn’t welcome and I know this myself also because friends I used to be very close with growing up have cut off contact without any explanations.

So, I stood on the sidewalk outside the temple and offered my prayers, remembering my guru’s kindnesses to me. Then I offered three prostrations right there on the sidewalk. I offered three prostrations to this great master who had been immeasurably kind to me. I miss Kensur Rinpoche so much. And it was very painful for me that I could not enter the temple to pay my respects to him. I know for a fact that Kensur Rinpoche practised Dorje Shugden because all of his close students had received the Dorje Shugden sogtae from His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche. His attendant Lothar was doing daily serkyem offerings to Dorje Shugden. So definitely Kensur Rinpoche practised but he was the old Kadampa style of master. For example, Kensur Rinpoche had a sacred Vajra Yogini image in his office that he always kept covered. I knew it was Vajra Yogini because once when no one was around, I snuck a look but Kensur Rinpoche himself never, ever showed us. So Kensur Rinpoche was very, very traditional, and never spoke about his initiations or Protector practices or showed it openly. But definitely Kensur Rinpoche practised.

Just think about that. The only reason why I could not enter the temple of my first guru, the temple of my childhood is because I refuse to give up my practice of Dorje Shugden which was given to me by His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche. Who should I listen to, His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche who gave me the practice, or His Eminence Kensur Rinpoche whom everyone claims gave it up? On what basis do I choose which guru to listen to? Who has higher rank? Who is more famous? Who was kinder to me? Well, who was kinder to me, Kyabje Zong Rinpoche who gave me initiations including Dorje Shugden practice, or my first guru Kensur Rinpoche Lobsang Tharchin who gave me the first Dharma teachings I received in this life?

So, on what basis do I choose which guru to listen to? No, it doesn’t make sense. I have 16 gurus so who do I listen to? The 14 who practise Dorje Shugden or the two who do not? Asking me to choose between Kensur Rinpoche Lobsang Tharchin and His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche is like asking me to choose between my left and right eye. Impossible to do. I love Kensur Rinpoche Lobsang Tharchin very much but I cannot give up my practice which was given to me by my other guru Kyabje Zong Rinpoche. Except for the teacher who gave me the practice, no one else can tell me to give up my practice, no matter how high, famous, rich or powerful they are. Not even the guru’s reincarnation can tell me to give up. And that is the truth.

Anyway, I am grateful that I had the opportunity to visit the temple. It was a bittersweet moment being able to visit the temple I spent so much time at in my childhood but not being able to go inside. So many memories. Every day I miss Kensur Rinpoche very much and I hope that one day, I will be able to reunite with his reincarnation who has taken rebirth in South India.

Tsem Rinpoche

For more interesting information:

• The Dorje Shugden category on the blog
• Dorje Shugden – The Protector of Our Time
• Great Masters Speak about Tsem Rinpoche
• The Thirteenth Dalai Lama, Tubten Gyatso
• Dorje Shugden: My side of the story | 多杰雄登：我这方面的说法
• Dalai Lama’s sudden change of mind about China-backed Panchen Lama
• Dalai Lama, China & Dorje Shugden | 达赖尊者、中国和多杰雄登
• The Buddhist Divide – An Unholy Campaign against Religious Freedom
• Dorje Shugden people
• The Truth About Who Saved the 14th Dalai Lama
• Badge of Shame
• Who is Tulku Drakpa Gyeltsen?
• Dorje Shugden Retreat: A powerful practice to fulfill wishes
• Largest Dorje Shugden in the world
• Panglung Ritroe – The Rising House of Power
• Beginner’s Introduction to Dorje Shugden

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