Mom, Can I Call You Before It’s Too Late?
Tsem Rinpoche circa 1965. Click to enlarge.
Once upon a time I was born a small child in a cold hospital. I was tiny, helpless, an infant. I couldn’t take care of myself. I was vulnerable. I was cold. I was crying. I was hungry. I needed care. I wanted love. I looked for affection. I didn’t have identity. I was looking for my mother. I needed her. I want her to be loving towards me. I needed her maternal instincts to shower me with smothering love, to be responsible for me, to overlook her own pain and tend to my pressing needs as I was helpless. I could have died without her. I needed her to hold me, to soothe me and to talk to me. My father insulted my mother by creating me with her through deception.
One of the earliest pictures of Tsem Rinpoche. Click to enlarge
My mother was deceived by him. My mother was ashamed, hurt and angry at him. My mother was a teenager and was told he loved her but it was not so. I was the creation of their unfruitful meeting. I had to bear the punishment of his mistake, of her mistake. Instead of being free of blame for their mistake, I was the reason of her shame, anguish and pain. My father left me. My mother was going to leave me. My short presence in her life was a reminder of what happened to her. She had to get rid of her shame. She had to forget her pain. To her, the only way to do so was to abandon me. To not have a reminder of her mistake in the form of a little baby crying for her love night and day.
Tsem Rinpoche as a baby. Click to enlarge.
I was abandoned. I was never tenderly fed by her. I was never hugged. I was left alone. My mother left. She left me as I was her shame. I was given to others who didn’t care about me again and again. They beat me. They fed me with poor food. Many times I went hungry I remember. They didn’t show any affection towards me. They were paid to take me in. She never accepted nor acknowledged I was her child. I was not allowed to acknowledge her as my mother. I needed that growing up. I needed to know who I was and who my parents were. I needed parents.
The baby Tsem Rinpoche in a pram. Click to enlarge
There was not one family or child in our small town where I grew up that didn’t have both their parents or at least one natural parent caring for them. I watched every child around me lovingly washed, cleaned, scolded, dressed, fed, hugged, kissed and cared for by their parents. I saw parents that would gladly sacrifice their lives for their children. It was just natural for them to love their child. A piece of them. But I was sacrificed for my mother’s freedom from her shame. These children knew that their caregiver were their parents. They had identity, a place, a race and belonging. I didn’t. I was so lonely growing up. I was incomplete. I always felt abandoned and alone. I always felt unloved and that I did not belong. I never felt like I belonged and was never secure of my place. I never expressed it growing up as there was no one to ask. No one to answer my questions. Who am I? Who is my mother? Who is my father? Why don’t they love me? Why didn’t they raise me? Why did I not deserve their kisses, embrace and sacrifice? Why am I as a child abandoned and left to die if that happened?
The young Tsem Rinpoche playing in a park. Click to enlarge
As a teenager I was alone and worked and supported myself. As a young adult I had no meetings or information on my parents. I had no one who would answer my questions to ask. As a mature adult I met my natural father briefly by a divine fluke through the work of a saintly Buddhist master who knew my dad and introduced me to him finally, but my natural mother still refused to meet me, speak to me or have me in her life. I have her in my life. I keep her in my life. I want her in my life. I have watched many documentaries of adopted children finding their natural parents. Or parents looking for the children they gave away or were taken away. I have seen some parents searching for their children for decades and not giving up. But I will never have that. I am not worth my parents searching for me because that is the message I am given.
A picture of the young Tsem Rinpoche. Click to enlarge
I have seen the forgiveness, love in the eyes of reunited parents and children towards each other and how they wanted to make up for all the lost time of separation. I often wished I was one of those children uniting with my parents. Parents who will accept me. Parents who would have a long time ago said I was important, that I had value and most importantly, that I was loved. Love is knowing you are in the right place and not abandoned under natural circumstances. To have a safe home, to be taken care of and be allowed to be just a child. To be hugged by my parents. To feel secure during those extremely formative years. To have parents smile at me and tell me I was important to them.
A rare moment of happiness in Tsem Rinpoche’s early life. Click to enlarge
It has never been that way. While growing up, I have endured tremendous physical, mental and emotional sufferings. Sufferings and trauma many other young people of my age back then took their own lives for. Some of what I went through was positively damaging to my spirit and body. But I know it would have been different if I had your protection, love and strength. Your strength to hold onto to anger and to begrudge those who wronged you could have been transformed instead into the protection and love I needed from you as a parent. Your mind is powerful. I wish you had transformed your anger into love for the child that came out of you. I needed you so much. Who does not need a loving mother? I am not blaming you, but saying things could have been different if you only chose that. I know you were in pain. But sometimes we need to overcome our pain because someone needs us more than holding on to our pain. I needed you. I still do. Now my natural father has passed on before I was able to have a real or proper relationship with him. He did at one time ask me to forgive him for his abandonment during our brief time together. I did forgive him of course. My natural mother is alive and I know where she lives and even have her address and contact. But she refuses to acknowledge me, threatening law suits for harassment if I contact her. Broken-hearted, I accept and do not contact her but send her love. A whole life time has passed.
Tsem Rinpoche’s mother and his grandmother.
Since I was born unceremoniously into this world it has been five decades and no love from my mother. No acknowledgement or a phone call. I am not allowed to call her or see her either. She does not permit it. Even now, after five decades, I am the face of her shame and pain for being born. It’s painful to know she is alive, still angry and still ashamed. She couldn’t let go of what my father had done to her and I have to be punished for it. She punishes herself. She lives in this pain. I want to tell her she does not have to be in pain. I want to tell her to please love me and bless my life with her presence. To let go. To forgive and be free. I want her to be free from her pain. Free of her pain finally. I want her in my life. But it is not to be. I live daily in dread one day I will hear she has passed away. That would leave me without one percent of hope of seeing her again. I dread that day. I admire those who had parents that did their best for their children. I didn’t want much. I just wanted my parents. I just want my mother. I just wanted to belong. I wanted love because I have love to give. It would be nice to not be alone for once in my life. I will continue to send my mother love and prayers for my parents. I will always pray for those who are my friends and for those who are not, as well as for those who have abandoned me. I will pray and send good wishes for those who do not like me and for those who are neutral. May everyone be happy. It would be wonderful if my mother allowed me into her life before this life ends. I love you dad. I love you mom.
Tsem Rinpoche
Childhood: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/?p=100092
My life: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/?p=162252
Hollywood: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/?p=4603
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Rinpoche had suffered so much coming into this world to bring us the Dharma. His very living itself is a Dharma teaching to be learnt. How much Rinpoche went through for the Dharma is an example and inspiration for us to realise the preciousness to be treasured and put into practice. It would be such blessings if Rinpoche’s mother could just let go of her hurt and open up to Rinpoche who had and still is selflessly helping so many people around the world.
When Tsem Rinpoche’s mother met the father, she didn’t know he was married and have children already. They had a relationship and Tsem Rinpoche was born out of the wedlock. The mother didn’t want to be reminded of this shameful event, so she gave him to a family in Taiwan to take care of . However, this family did not take care of Rinpoche and often did not feed him with proper food.
Later when he was 6 years old, he was sent to the USA to be fostered by Burcha and Dana. Tsem Rinpoche knows who the real mother is but he was told not to contact her. Even though rejected by the mother for so many times, Tsem Rinpoche never forgets about her. He still wishes to be connected to his biological mother.
No matter how much hardships Tsem Rinpoche has gone through in his life, he has never held grudges or anger. None of the parents (the real or the adoptive) treated Tsem Rinpoche well but he still wishes the best for them. This is the practice of compassion and forgiveness. It is important to let go if we want to move on and find peace and happiness.
People will build up layers and layers of defenses to protect themselves when they had bad experiences in the past. They thought this is the best way to keep them safe and not being hurt again in the future. The fear of being hurt can be overwhelmed someday and they may not be able to trust or care for anyone. Some of them may know and some of them may not know they should do something to make their life less bitter. But because they cannot let go, suffering never end.
Rinpoche’s childhood is a real life teaching. Despite a miserable childhood, Rinpoche never hold on to the unpleasant experiences or hates his parents for abandoned him. Instead, Rinpoche has so much care and love for his parents. Rinpoche’s love is pure, selfless and without attachment. Rinpoche wishes very much that he can ease the pain of his beloved mother, by loving her and be her strength to overcome her bitterness. I sincerely wish that Rinpoche and his mother will reunite soon.
Life is meant to make us suffer. We need to let go, forgive and move on. Free ourselves, be a kind and caring person as we can be. Always do our best to overcome fear and pain because someone out there needs us more than holding on to our pain.
This nice comment was left on Rinpoche’s Facebook from someone who read this post about Rinpoche’s childhood
This is indeed a touching message. From the message I suspect this lady is a neighbour of my childhood home in Howell. I don’t think I have met this neighbour while growing up. I wonder which one she is and where she lived on either W. 3rd St, W. 2nd St, or W. 4th St. or E. 3rd St? Those are the streets that might be ten houses away from my family home on W. 3rd St as mentioned on her comment. I thank Ms. Marianne Abbruzzi Alterisio for her lovely thoughts. Sincerely, Tsem Rinpoche
(Photo: Picture of the house taken decades ago of where I grew up. 233 West 3rd St., Howell, New Jersey, USA)
it’s truly heart breaking and painful to read about Rinpoche’s feelings and how much Rinpoche longed to see your mother and have real parental love. I sincerely understand how Rinpoche wish to meet your mother very much. I pray and hope that Mother Tara and Lord Dorje Shugden may bless and fulfill Rinpoche’s wish to come true soon. ????
Any ordinary being would not have so much love to give, given the circumstances. Thank you, Rinpoche, for showing us the Dharma and the sacrifices you have made in your life to benefit so many. May your mother find acceptance and peace in this lifetime, and may she soon allow herself to feel the happiness and pride that she is entitled to, in having Rinpoche as her son.???
Rinpoche has very compassionately used every possible aspect of his life to teach us the Dharma, to reduce our sufferings. The magnitude of the “pain” that Rinpoche has had to endure to help purify other’s karma is beyond normal being’s threshold. Thank you Rinpoche for your pure wisdom and compassion. May all of Rinpoche’s wishes come true. May Rinpoche’s mother’s pain and obstacles be swiftly and completely removed ; she has a son that every mom would be very proud to have ???❤️
Dear Tsem Rinpoche may i just say, you were such a beautiful bonny baby.
I so wish i could have been your mother to have loved and cared for you through difficult times. Someone you could have loved laughed and cried with all the while.
I wish your mother freedom from pain and suffering and hope one day soon she can appreciate what truly wonderful gifts and blessings you as her son have brought to this world. That she may be healed and this knowledge will bring happiness to your mothers final years in this lifetime ??
(Such a beautiful message left on FB by Ms. Juliet Yeates. I do appreciate her compassion and care. I wanted to share it here. Thank you Ms. Yeates, Tsem Rinpoche)
Dear Rinpoche,
I hope you’ll get what you wish for . For your mum, hopefully she can let go of her pain soon.
Dear Rinpoche,
It’s heart breaking to read Rinpoche’s sharing. I believe it must be very painful for Rinpoche’s mother and Rinpoche. Hence I hope Rinpoche’s mother would be able to be free from all the pains of the past 50 years and accept Rinpoche and Rinpoche’s love sooner.
To spend so long a time to resist love must be really not easy for Rinpoche’s mother. May she and Rinpoche, and many of those who were hurt by those they love or once loved, disentangle from the painful yesterdays; moving on to a lighter and brighter next moments.
Love,
Wah Ying