For Couples
Most couples just make money, eat, have kids, buy house, car, go on trips, then get old, die and have fear of the next place they are going to. Many have much regrets, but then it’s too late… Very rarely do couples and partners work side by side to do GOOD WORKS FOR OTHERS. Very rare but when it does happen it’s beautiful that both couples work in dharma together to benefit others. When they do that, they push each other to higher and higher states of mind through their dharma work. It’s like a prayer they did in a previous life to be together to do good for others. Then if that is the case, it is good for a couple to be together and then they help each other to do good things.
A couple like this is a big inspiration and set a very good trend. I wish more and more Kecharians do this to show the world a new way to have and enjoy a relationship. A spiritual relationship where couples encourage each other toward dharma works and benefit others. It’s rare two people do not drag each other down deeper into samsara with all the ‘commitments’ they entangle themselves into due to attachments masked as needs. It’s wonderful to see two people encourage each other out of samsara by being with each other.
Tsem Rinpoche
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Relationship in samsara is temporary, relationship as a couple is support each other in correct way to do the correct things , samsara people used to follow the trends of way what love is superficial complement on each other, materialism, enjoyment, when come to life end nothing we can do about it. Real love is encouraging each other to practice further and make sure all in correct path. Rinpoche always give the best guidance. May you swift returns to be our guru again.
“Most couples just make money, eat, have kids, buy house, car, go on trips, then get old, die and have fear of the next place they are going to. Many have much regrets, but then it’s too late..” With these opening words on a blogpost on “For Couple”, Rinpoche is stating how society and the conventions ‘force ‘ people into tying the knot ‘. Getting married is to feed each other’ s attachment to samsara.Most people don’t know how to grow old together gracefully surrendering their youths. They watch each other fall sick, and become incapacitated, grow weak and lose their faculties and the use of their limbs. Thye helplessly watch and grow bitter and depressed.
All their lives, it’s been merely gratifying their five senses’ dictates.It’s been always about themselves and their needs , and seldom, if ever, about others and their needs.. Regrets at a wasted life come too late, and fear sets in about death and where they will be going.
On the other hand, some , who have the precious opportunity of becoming engaged in benefiting others through charitable causes or through the Dharma , find a sense of fulfilment never experienced before.
Unfortunately, not many share this joy of working to benefit others , with their partners. If not sufficiently strong and filled with conviction for what they are doing, many may get dragged down by their partners deeper and deeper into samsara by their strong clinging to samsaric pursuits , and in the end , they may be forced to give up their commitments to social or dharma work to benefit others.
Hence,I rejoice for the couples who are currently working
together with their partners and spouses to benefit others with single-minded focus, in Kechara.
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for this teaching on how Dharma can help couples use their relationship to benefit others. When two people work together to benefit others, in Dharma, with one heart and one mind, and they focus outwards to help and serve others, then they bring each other to higher and higher states of mind . In the end, they are helping and encouraging each other “out of samsara by being with each other”.
Otherwise, like most other couples, it’s making money, eating, having kids, buying houses, cars, going on trips, then getting old, dying and having fears about the next places they are going to.Many will have much regrets, but it will be too late then.
I really like this teaching and I do agree with what Rinpoche is trying to tell us. Many couples just work, eat sleep, etc continuously until the day they die and usually all their problems and fights come due to attachments to samsaric possessions. I agree when two people get together it is good that they help each other to do good work in benefiting others. In turn this not only helps them in their future lives but also their current.
I agree with what is being said here Rinpoche. I believe that if the couple really meant well for their partners, they would be be encouraging them to do something meaningful in life. Instead to be dragging them into something that would do them no good at the end of their lives.
Thank you Rinpoche for such a wonderful teaching. It was very good, if two couple work together in Dharma work and it will be very meaningful of their life.
For the greater part, people come together in partnership out of a desire to have someone there for them at all times. This in itself bespeaks a self-serving motivation. Hence, I feel that couples or partners who enthusiastically share a commitment to work in Dharma, to benefit others, must have, in a previous life, created the rare karmic cause to come together in such a lovely way.
Hence, one has to accept that, mostly, one is alone doing Dharma work without the support of a partner. The challenge here is to maintain a harmonious relationship always with one’s partner(without compromising one’s commitment to Dharma), even though he/she does not understand the Dharma and is not willing to even learn about it. We continue meanwhile to create the cause for him/her to connect to the Dharma in the future.
Dharma relationships are powerful when two people share the same spiritual journey. When we share the same spiritual journey, we can help to support each other as we work on improving ourselves according to the Dharma – to have better qualities like generosity, kindness, patience. It is not that two people of different faiths cannot get along but two sincere practitioners of faith – whatever faith it is – are actually on their way to the same destination, albeit different paths.
A Dharma relationship, in most cases, will help us move further and faster in our Dharma path compares to Dharma-secular relationship.
I guess the main reasons are we understand each other more, how they feel, what situation they are facing, at what stage their mind is…etc, hence we know how to help them pulling through the challenges.
We all have our bad moment, it may due to our wrong thinking, our bad coping skill, our stress level…etc. However, not everyone will face the same situation at the same time. So, when one person is feeling down, the other one will drag him/her up and vice versa. This is like a relay race. One may be able to go further and sustain longer as there is always a supporting factor, but of course this is only applicable if his/her partner truly understand the benefit of Dharma.
Whereas in a Dharma-secular relationship, there is no or less support system. A person not only need to face the challenges him/herself, he/she may even need to counter the pressure given by his/her partner. And when he/she is trying to give up, the partner may sometimes become the catalyst.
I hope to see more and more Dharma couple working together in achieving something really beneficial to their lives.
It is indeed rare to find couple that have the same mindset, have the same compassionate heart to live for the sake of others, to share the same goal of benefiting others, to share the same idea that serving a guru tirelessly is a rare opportunity that can be found nowhere. These couple that have the same goal and mind are like good examples and motivation that we should always be inspired by them.
This kind of spiritual relationship are admirable by anyone that are single or in a non spiritual relationship.Though it’s always rejoicing to see people regardless young or old, sick or healthy, poor or wealthy, to pursue in Dharma path with the pure motivation of benefiting others. What’s new in samasara? Nothing. It’s all the same old stuff that keep on endlessly leading us sinking deeper and deeper. So why not do something different for once, which we can change our destiny, that is to work in Dharma with pure motivation.
Always encourage people whether they are your friend or not, always encourage them to do good deeds and never harm others. Always remind ourselves not to be driven by our ego,anger and ignorance, since it’ll lead us to nowhere.
Good luck to couples that are doing Dharma work, never give up on this path; Else there’s nowhere to turn to. When one is about to give up, pull them back up. Just like what Rinpoche had said “It’s wonderful to see two people encourage each other out of samsara by being with each other”
Thank you with folded hands.
A society grows through a network of relationships, which are mutually intertwined and inter-dependant. Every relationship is a whole-hearted commitment to support and protect each other in a group or community. A good partnership such as a marriage should grow and develop gradually from understanding and not impulse. A good marriage provides a fine basis for the development of culture, a delightful association of two individuals to be nutured and to be free from loneliness, deprivation and fear. Each partner develops a complimentary role, giving strength and moral courage to each other. Marriage should be a partnership of equality, gentleness, generosity, calm and dedication. In Buddhism, one can not only find all the neccessary advice which help one another to lead a happy married life, but out of samsara too,if one follows purely and closely to the practice, like Rinpoche said.
Yes indeed it is very rare to find both “equally yolk”. I did not understand what on earth this meant when I heard this from a Christian friend in the past as she was saying if she cannot find someone of the same faith to be married with, she won’t accept. At that time I thought she’s fanatical! Now I get it and I’m the fanatic one they’re saying now.
But it is true… Now a days people get in to relationships to fulfill their own desire hence the rise is divorcees and marriage is just another event to get together and throw a big party to make the parents “happy”.
Honestly what is the point of having any relationship if is going to be more misery, more pain, more negative then positive actions. And no partner should ever stop or stand in each others spiritual path or growth… if it is “love”.
But if is a spiritual one, definitely it can be a very admirable, an inspiration to one another where both will encourage each others’ good qualities to arise to higher level. That would be a real blessing for both.
this is true… a Dharma relationships is better because they help each other to get more in the Dharma. this even benefits others. : D
Dear Rinpoche,
To have a partner that not oppose you to do Dharma work, even not support is lucky level 1. Hehe. To have a partner to not oppose but support some more, is lucky level 2, even is not enough, haha. To have a partner really go hand in hand and inspire each other to benefit others will be lucky level 3.
To have a family and kids and do Dharma is really not easy, but I guess nothing easy in this samsara world. To have someone you love actually it can be the factor that you wish to move up up up, to push yourself harder, initially, because you do not want your loved ones down down by not doing dharma, not learning dharma.
And I guess the lucky levels actually is workable from our side, if we wish to benefit our loved ones.
Thank you Rinpoche for your advice and care.
With folded hands,
Wah Ying
I feel that we will run into certain types of people during certain periods of our lives. When we look around, many kids nowadays are so into Ipad, Iphone and many endless computer games that worry me. Not many kids are drawn to spirituality naturally. Some of them have the chance, but it is not running on the same frequency, so they dismiss it.
It is certainly nice to have friends who are into spirituality, into the same kind of belief system. It is like a blessings. We can talk endless and the time spent together seems insufficient always.
Couples who share the same kind of belief is a blessing truly.
Yes it is important to DHARMA all the way no matter we are in a relationship or otherwise.
Relationships only last this life time but our future lives is countless we need to invest our time wisely.
Eat, sleep, earn then pay become our routine daily work, this routine only will end when we ADD 3 Years Old. We should take some time to deep contemplate, what can bring to our next life after whole life routine??
Thanks for Rinpoche teaching to let me know that the true life after we ADD 3 YEARS OLD… May our family members and peoples around us can serve more in Dharma…
I agreed that it was fortunate to have a partner who share the same religious, doing Dharma work together. we have same goal, motivation and teaching from same Guru, it can built up trust and confidence on the partner as we know what they are doing.
Thank you Rinpoche for the teaching and grateful that I was given an opportunity to do Dharma work together with Lew. I will always keep Rinpoche’s teachings in mind to support him and all others in their spiritual journey. It may not be easy but it is not as difficult as I thought earlier. When I understand how beneficial the work that Dharma work is and how much it can help others, it is easier for me to let go of my own pleasure. However, I found greater pleasure when I see how others become happier when we help others. I am also very thankful for having someone to support me in my work too.
I wish Rinpoche long life and both of us can serve Rinpoche life after life for the benefit of others.
People often get into a relationship is due to the fear of no one accompanying them when they gets old, they went into marriage and have kids is because they wanted someone to look after them when they gets old, as such, the action and attitude is all towards ourselves, we wanted a relationship is not because we can help each other, but it is to fulfill our selfish desire, so when things go wrong in a relationship, we became depressed, anger, etc. Because it is all for ourselves.
It is very ideal to have spiritual partners, both together is not based on sexuality but it’s on helping each other, attacking each other’s weak point and together gether grow from there.
Finding partners also cannot be fear of feeling lonely, because loneliness is not from the outer but it is from within ourselves, so even after we got a partner which supposedly to kill off our loneliness, instead, we got more annoyance, headache, etc.
It really sounds ‘crazy’ that you ask your partner to do more for others, spend more time for others, think more for others. To me, this is the real challenge. But this challenge, is to evaluate yourself, how much you love your partner when you know the reason behind all the hard work. You know it is for good, all the hard works and time your partner gives to others is for good, as your partner gives Dharma, love and care. We should never stop our loved ones to do something beneficial for others out of our attachment and selfishness.
I agree with Rinpoche very much, that we are actually lucky to work together for others. And this relationship itself has the greater meaning and direction. If the couple only think for themselves, from there arises many problems because both of them only think for themselves. And eventually they will get bored and want more without an end. Relationship that is empty without a greater direction and meaning is very scary to me. I’m grateful that I have Rinpoche’s guidance in this case. I have a new perception towards relationship and relationship become something beautiful and not just about me me me.
With a greater direction, the couple could stick together even longer. They will appreciate each other even more because they understand how hard to find each other. 🙂
Thank you Rinpoche for such a wonderful teaching! I am very grateful to have a partner who supports me in my Dharma work in every way. He supports me in so many ways be it spiritually or materialistically. I am very grateful to have him. I believe what Rinpoche said is true… It’s like a prayer they did in a previous life to be together to do good for others.
克切拉佛教中心， 有许多在佛法事业的情侣。因为大家都在同一个环境里工作，相处的时间就多了， 那么吵架的机会可能就会多了。 但是，我们会更加坚固！ 因为在这个环境里， 让我们有一个平静的思维，去解决问题，让我们可以平心静气地互相了解。
可以与伴侣一起做佛法事业是一种加持！ Kechara 现在在建庙， 我们可以一起把庙建起来， 绝对是我们生生世世的功德！
很多人以为我在佛教机构工作，就好像出家爱，什么都不可以。其实有伴侣是可以的。但如果另一半也是同样在从事佛法事业，那么是非常难得的。大家至少会将佛法融入在生活中，互相鼓励。当然双方必须要有共识。一般的情侣，都会注重在自己的需要，自己的感觉，我受伤，我不开心，所以分歧越来越大。将自己放下接纳大家的不足，互相鼓励对方成长，毕竟大家都不是完美的。
To begin with, it is not easy to find a good partner (some people call it a soulmate) and it is even more difficult to find a partner who does not drag us deeper into our delusions or indeed into theirs such that both end up mindlessly chasing after illusions. So if we find ourselves in a Dharma relationship, we can count all our lucky stars.There are so many people, who in a relationship have given up responsibility over their own lives and instead thrown the onus to their partner to make them happy or create conditions for them to feel secure and contented. In the end, the relationship ends in failure and the couple break up feeling bitter and twisted or depressed.
The basis of a Dharma couple is not mutual delusion but the mutual understanding and appreciation that each is no longer living his or her live to chase after personal desires but have given up themselves in service of others and in that we celebrate.
Couples swear endless love to each other but if the love is true, then the professed love plus even some knowledge of Dharma means that, each has a duty to make sure that the other is not dragged away from their Dharma work. After all, how can we claim to love someone and yet want them to go to the lower realms by abandoning the Dharma.
Dear Martin,
What you have shared here resonates with me deeply. Personally, relationships have caused me much delusions on what is important and more sadly, wrong views of what makes me happy. I used to believe in soul mates but unfortunately the “soul mates” I have encountered were more pain to the soul than anything. At times they have left me lost of who I am.
At the end of that all, I have found happiness in myself and in the Dharma. The friends I have in the dharma have on many occasions proven to be stronger and more dependable than my old time friends. I am not unhappy about this but simply I understand that the platform of thoughts between myself and them have changed.
Spiritual relationships, which one day I wish to achieve in the future, is one which I feel is beneficial because it is free of selfishness. We all know that all relationships suffer because of the element of selfishness. Wanting the other to make us happy…duh!
@Martin and Li Kim, I like what both of you have said here (and how aptly strange that the three of us (of all people) find ourselves in a conversation here about this). This is a bit of a “strange” place to find yourself in – to know that you are in a relationship where you are NOT the priority and actually shouldn’t expect to be. Paradoxically, you learn to love the person precisely because you know how much love they have for the whole world, not just for you.
I have lived through a lot of my relationships fearing that I would lose the person – so whatever happiness there is is met with equal parts of fear, anxiety, insecurity. What an unhappy and terrible way to live. Ultimately, as you say, it’s defined by that element of selfishness – we want that person for ourselves so of course we fear losing it.
Rinpoche shared recently that the funny thing about the way this works is that when we let go of the person – and live accordingly – we actually gain that person’s trust, love, respect all the more. It’s funny that the more we cling on to a person and can’t let him/her go, the more we eventually drive them away. So the converse is also true. The more we are able to let go, to focus not just on one person but on developing true love and real benefit equally for the rest of the world, the more that one person would actually want to be with us. In turn, they will be the ones to not want to lose us. There’s an Indian saying that you can’t hold water by clenching your fist; but by keeping two palms cupped but OPEN, you are able to retain and enjoy the water. I thought that was quite a beautiful way of describing relationships too <3
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for the guidance. Yes, i wish my partner and me can be in Dharma life after life. If i fall down, he able to guide me, when he fall down i am able to pull him and we can benefit more people.
Sometimes, attachment to other arise due to selfishness. Selfishness to fulfill our own desire without thinking or considering to that his or her welfare is more important than our feeling.
Without guidance from Rinpoche, I am still having lots of wrong views on relationship. May my partner and i always improve in Dharma.
Thank you
With Folded Hand
Freon
Freon, together with your partner, both of you are inspirational to others, to help each other. If being together benefits more people then both of you will be always together, and forever. 🙂 There are many good examples here especially those with families I am happy they are all in Dharma together, a much much happier family, everyone is in it together, learning and growing.
Thanks to Rinpoche’s teaching. It’s not easy to get a soulmate that actually enjoy doing dharma work together to benefit others. But if do have one, both will be able to show a good example to other couples and help those that having difficulties in relationships. 🙂
Nice to hear your thoughts on these as relationships are everywhere we can see. Being in relationship can be beautiful and also difficult in the sense we can put up with the other person’s faults which we don’t like and some hope he or she will change his or her behavior to the better. For the sake of the other person some will change. It works both way.
To support another couples’ relationship when they are going thru hard times will create the condition for us to have a harmonious and happy relationship ourselves in our future. It benefits them and us, it is a win win situation. If we believe a joyous and a healthy relationship will bring happiness to relationship then therefore we can be happy and feel inspired when a couple do Dharma work together. It breaks the idea that we cannot have both.
Also we can learn very much from our parents as they are in a relationship as well. We can be supportive and encourage them to be better for each other. How? By being more patient, listen to them, not taking sides and more. In making their relationship becoming healthier and more balance we create the condition to have a good relationship as well.