The secrets to having a good relationship
Dear friends,
There are ways we can have a good relationship with our spouse and partners. The methods are not hard. How ‘hard’ it is to implement is dependent on how much you really want this relationship. How much we want ANYTHING IS HOW HARD WE MAKE IT IN OUR MINDS. The reasons why you find it hard to implement changes in you in order to have a good relationship, could be due to these few things perhaps?
- Subconsciously you don’t feel the relationship is worth it.
- You are using the person, so they stay or leave you could care less. It is only for your personal advantage.
- You didn’t even know your actions were affecting them in such a manner.
- The person has hurt you so much, but you are afraid you won’t find someone else.
- Low self-esteem overall.
- You don’t want to be conscious of it because it is too much work.
- You can find someone else easily you think.
- Fear.
- You don’t care.
- Convenience.
- You want to punish them. Revenge.
- You want to punish yourself.
- You don’t deserve better.
- You don’t want to be alone at all costs even at the cost of your happiness. Ironic as it sounds.
- Wrong cultural beliefs about women. About men. About relationships.
- You just wanted the spouse for the kids and the spouse doesn’t matter. Or you’re stuck because you had the kids.
- You have this relationship because you simply can.
- Rebound.
- For money or lack of it.
- Showing off.
- Keep family quiet.
- Desperation.
- Immaturity.
- Unwilling to face facts and move on.
- Spoilt. Things have been always easy for you so no one else matters except yourself. Sadly, in the end, you will need others.
- Maybe none of the above and there are more reasons both valid and invalid.
- For the passport or citizenship. Asylum.
- You have nowhere to go.
- Tradition. Face.
- Medical condition. Mental or physical. (Get help because your partner and you are worth it.)
- Parents.
- Combinations or variations of the above.
You have to check if it’s any of the 32 listed and figure out why. Deal with it. Face it. And do something positive with it. Most of all be honest, be open, be communicative and keep your promises always. Face the music, overcome it and be in a healthy situations with or without a relationship ultimately. You and your partner deserve it.
Whether relationships go right or not is from the onset. You have to ask yourself WHY DID YOU GET TOGETHER WITH THIS OTHER PERSON IN THE FIRST PLACE. If the motivation was purely self serving, then as time goes on, things will unravel for sure. Think carefully.
My feelings on how to have a good relationship
(If you don’t speak Chinese, fast forward the talk and then it’s in English)
I am NOT the expert by far, but some of my thoughts my help… Good luck in whatever you do. Never stay quiet. Never let things just run their course. Always take action and do something. Make things happen. That is the key.
What’s a Buddhist monk doing talking about relationships? Shouldn’t he teach detachment? Well, how much I teach detachment and non-attachment, you are still going to have relationships at the moment… so give some help for now… Simply, very few are so advanced to be unattached, so help people at all levels. I need dharma help at many levels… everyone is the same… Over the last 19 years I have been consulted hundreds of times by various groups/people in many countries on their private relationships, so I thought I share somethings here that I’ve learned from these encounters with hundreds of people… The funny thing is most of them say out the solutions themselves during their conversations with me…
Tsem Rinpoche
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We are the creators of our happiness and problems, no one else. Nothing come easy, we have to work hard for the things that we want. If we are not putting the effort to make ourselves better and our relationship better, who can be blame? Just like a plant, if we don’t take care of it, how can we expect beautiful flowers blossoming?
It is hard to look at our true self, because we have to face our ugly side. Most of the time we are not as good as we portray ourselves to be. But once we are honest to ourselves and transform to become better, we will be see good things happening to us.
i truly admire Rinpoche for being so spontaneous, open minded and caring to give relationship advice which is very important to build up a good relationship. i agree with all the points and that communication and promises are very important to have better understanding and trust in each other in a relationship. Thank you very much Rinpoche for sharing these wonderful advice ???
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for the advises in regard of relationship. I think the above advises are applicable to our relationship not just with our partner but to the extend to our family, parents, co-workers and friends .etc My bottom line, always ask myself do I do this for myself or for the sake of other person. Always remind myself tha Dharma is the solution always apply it.
With folded hands,
Carmen Lin
We always think that the solution to have a better relationship is always with our partner, but in actual fact, it lies in our hands. We should never blame our partners for our failure, instead we should look at ourselves, knowing where the main problem of ourselves lie at. Only then, we can change ourselves and improve ourselves.
I think the common factor in every of those questions is that it makes us reflect just how of it we’re in the relationship for ourselves – or how much we’re willing to make compromises and “sacrifices” for the sake of the other person. I remember watching this movie many years ago, called “Closer” (With Natalie Portman, jude law…. I think) and being horrified that the entire movie was about how much people set out to hurt each other in their relationships. But that’s actually precisely what we do – we set out with our own horrible, selfish agendas and then eventually, we end up with nothing. We end up being with someone but feeling lonely, or worse, being with someone only to hurt them – then why be with someone?
In contrast, I love this more recent post that Rinpoche wrote: http://blog.tsemtulku.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/inspiration-worthy-words/for-couples.html It looks at how to be more uplifting to each other – how we can make a difference in the life of someone for the better and even work together with them to become doubly effective in our work and practice… so the relationship becomes truly beneficial and there is a real reason to be together, instead of it being destructive or a means for furthering our selfishness.
Thank you so much for this blog rinpoche, you show me the way in the area of my life it’s really complicated I’ve got a big low self-esteem of myself and I know that put trouble to my partner in all kind of way.
thank you so much for have show me the light
Like everything else, how much we put into a relationship is how much we get in return from it.
If we sincerely want it to work, we need to put in our best by improving ourselves. Improving oneself is not dependent on your partner’s progress. We take the responsibility to do it first and inspire him /her to follow. Even if our partner does not follow our example, what have we got to lose by improving ourselves?
And if your partner does not “make you a happier, better and kinder version of yourself” , you always have a choice – be single , he/she is not the right person for you.Move on.
I like your comment rinpoche about never stay quiet, never just let things run their course, make things happen. It reminds me of the concept of “living with intention” and that is what I try to do in every area of my life. thank you.
Very good points to ponder on. Sometimes it is not just one point but a few that adds up together. Definitely will need to work on my shortcomings. It definitely will help in my relationship. Thank you Rinpoche for spending time to post up this post.
Through the marriage that failed, I have learned to let go and forgive. Before that, I’ve always demanded more, making the relationship strained and going down the drain fast. But the advantage of it was that I learned to be independent and less demanding. I was very lucky to found Dharma during those difficult times which really helped my mind and the relationship. Although we divorced but we stayed on as good friends which was very good for my kids and family. For me, in order to make relationships work, we shouldnt take advantage, demand and be selfish. The points above really made me realize that I used to be like that and it is so WRONG! I believe in what Rinpoche said :
Whether relationships go right or not is from the onset. You have to ask yourself WHY DID YOU GET TOGETHER WITH THIS OTHER PERSON IN THE FIRST PLACE. If the motivation was purely self serving, then as time goes on, things will unravel for sure. Think carefully.
Dear Rinpoche,
The No.1 fits me. One thing I learnt is that you need to be happy as an individual. If you are not happy yourself, don’t ever expect someone else is going to change your situation. If the relationship can make you happier (but not sure how long it will last), keep it. If not, rather stay single la~
Christine
I have not been in many relationships at all but I feel that the above is so true. Many of us even though we are not happy being in a relationship still continue being in it because of comfort and unwillingness to change. It takes so much to be in a committed, respectful (of each other) and happy relationship, yet so little -it depends on whether we want to make it work or not and how are minds react to it which in turn is reflected in our attitudes, actions and speech.
The above, although specifically listed for relationships, is actually a guideline to all the relationships we have with others -friends, parents, colleagues etc. How do we make the relationships we have with others beneficial, happy, successful and long term. All our lives we are interacting with others, building relationships.
Anyways it takes so much to have a relationship with a single partner or spouse. It’s so funny how so many base their happiness on a single (i hope) relationship with others. For me, have it or not, happiness does not rely on an external source that can come and go anytime. I’d rather make many others happy through the work that I do. Omg I’m making myself sound like a spinster haha.
I think what Rinpoche mentions is the most important – how much we want anything is how hard we make it in our minds. If we keep saying something is hard to do and achieve, we will never put our efforts towards it and make the necessary changes to make things happen. What we do is up to us. We should always take action to make things happen. Ultimately, everything lies in our own hands.
Rinpoche, this is a powerful teaching as it touches on relationship, which everyone of us goes through. I totally agree that being faithful is the key ingredient in any relationship. Also taking actions and making things happen. Yes. I will not get anything accomplished if I just keep quiet. It is so true in so many aspects of our life. Which brings to mind a song by Mariah Carey,:- Make It Happen. Thank you so much, Rinpoche
We all come into relationships with all kinds of people we meet all our lives. Due to selfish reasons, we maintain a relationship solely for those selfish thoughts but it did not last. Relationship takes up our time, effort and much thoughts from our part with the other party.
Due to sensitivity in relationships, we fear we offend them with honest words therefore we keep silent but does that help us in the end? It did not help me. I went out to try a different method.
When a relationship soured, I gave deeper thoughts into the action and mean words said to each other and step back to think. Then I decided to forgive them truly and keep an open mind to help them, if they need it. You know what happened next, after I opened up?
The relationship went from normal > bad > better and stronger now. This has proven to me what dharma has taught me. Open up, forgive, wait patiently for an opportunity to open up the same relationship again but better this time.
I am so happy to read your thoughts cz i’m facing the same situation as you went thru before..I need to be patient, forgiving and keep my faith…
It is really a lot of work in my opinion. So much effort put in to make just one person happy. If we put the same amount of effort somewhere else I believe we can make many more people happier.
Tired of relationships but never tired to work for the benefit of others!
Thank you Rinpoche for your teaching. Although a man of robes, you definitely pointed out what makes a good marriage. I totally agree that a marriage is a continuos work in progress. One should know all their partner’s imperfections and in saying “I do” means taking responsibility and accepting these imperfections. It also means my partner accepting my imperfections. Always sharing and exchanging the details of the daily events and to remember to take a step back when either one is angry. Agree on all decisions made or blame may crop up. As they say, marriage is a union of mind, body and some say soul. Carry the same load and there will not be unhappiness. I really am thankful that I have the merits to have a supportive husband who shares my burdens of living.
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for your insights on how to have a good relationship with our partners. I realised and agree that most of the problem lies within ourselves. Most of the time many people become unhappy with our partner because we are un-willing to bend / look at things from their perspective. And if we really feel for that person, than we can be at peace with our actions of giving-in, losing face and not getting what we want. It’s all about sacrificing selflesly without grudges and keeping tabs.
This arcticle somehow relates to ones spiritual practice. If we cannot even compromise and give-in to the person you feel so strongly about (our spouse… for better or for worse)… how are we going to submit to our teacher instructions and teachings… makes me wonder…
people nowadays very intelligent creatures.they are highly educated.that’s why they can freely express their opinion and have high unrealistic demand on their partners.unlike the old days,people don’t choose much and not so intelligent,so they can remain happier.village people are better in terms and harmony compare to city folks.
Thank you Rinpoche for this posting. Besides young people who are preparing for marriage, people in relationships and rocky marriages will definitely find this posting extremely helpful and practical.
Many thanks to Rinpoche. I always thought that I am good and understanding lover. Somehow I get to watch the youtube on Rinpoche’s talk on the ingredients of having a successful relationship. It make me realize that I am actually not as good as I thought. In fact, your teaching has changed me a lot and make me understand how’s the actual relationship of husband and wife should be. Sometimes I would share your teaching with those newly wed friends/ married people that I know. It really inspire them.
Nowadays, not much couples understand about it. Thank you so much for your articles. I will share with others on this articles.
Rinpoche,
Thank you so much for pointing out all of the points. To have a relationship to work really takes much effort and appreciation.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing and caring ^^, The above definitely will help on a relationship, not only on that but people who work with you and around you too! ^^,
Oh dear, i think i need a moment to really think about my relationship.
Thank you Rinpoche for the post.
I want to share a little thing from Jean Ai, she posted a quote during Valentines day,she wrote this: if your partner doesn’t make you a happier, better, kinder version of yourself, better to be single – it’s time to cut loose and run!
Hahaha..it hit me and i was like hmmmm…it is sooooooo true!!
Dear Rinpoche, thanks so much for the above and it really open my mind and eyes
During my past relationship , i had been hurt by someone , and i do hurt people during i mad! i hurt that lady badly!
do you agree more that 90% people will get mad during they dump by someone?
During the past, i am one of this people! And i see a lot people is like that during i get drink drank drunk in the club!
All this is doesn’t healthy !
Now i have a good new relationship. We work & learn dharma together!
Please dont play with my word ! We work & learn Dharma doesn’t mean we have good relation. It is because we understand the practice & we put in our day!
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for always remind us ! To be kind , harmony , generous to people around !
I love you Rinpoche.
To be in relationship it can be simple or it can be very complicated. On surface, the person may think it is the situation or the other person brought the “suffered” or “happiness” to him or her. But, at the end ; is the choice we make. How we want the relationship to be like, is really a choice.
LOL @ Freon I like what you said about how it can be very simple of very complicated… what we fail to realise is for most of the time, we blame some external factor for making it complicated. Actually, we’re the ones who complicate it. I also like what you said about how it is a choice how the relationship is and that’s really the crux of the matter – WE make it wonderful and a cause for growth, but we can also make it miserable and cause for suffering. We choose our own happiness, single or attached!
Thanks Rinpoche. I have experienced it myself. Before I get to know Kechara, my understanding in relationship is totally wrong and always think negatively about what I want and how should I expect it to be. Since I have joined Kechara as a member and started to attend Dharma classes, it slowly opens up my mind and look at things differently from many angles instead of my own negative thinking. The teachings that I received from Buddhism not only helps me in relationship but also the entire of my current life now, whether I am working in my office, walking down the street or being alone in my room.
“You have to check if it’s any of the 32 listed and figure out why. Deal with it. Face it. And do something positive with it. Most of all be honest, be open, be communicative and keep your promises always.”
Thank you Rinpoche for your precious guidance to look at ourselves and our relation ship with others and how to make it better by dealing with it and facing it.
“Always take action and do something. Make things happen. That is the key.”
I have never had much luck in my love life.
I guess I am doomed to be single.
Anyway, thank you for your article. 🙂
I enjoy reading what is on your webpage.
Good evening.
Dear Ivy, Thank you for your comments. My heart is with you.It really is. TR
Hi Ivy,
Hehe you know I have also heard a lot of people say that they feel they are “doomed to be in this relationship” or “doomed to be married”. I don’t see being single as a fate of being doomed – it could be quite liberating if regarded a different way! Having been in relationships, gotten my knickers in a twist about them, broken up, got into another relationship, been single, found another relationship again…. I must say that in the end, it is all the same. We can end up equally unhappy and “doomed” whether we’re single or in a relationship.
What Rinpoche has often advised is that it’s not about being in a relationship or not. What’s more important is what kind of people we become as we’re single or as we’re in a relationship. For some people, it is better for their personal development, practice, attainments to be single; for others, they need the support of a partner to grow… so there is no blanket “rule” for everyone. What makes your marital status (!) a worth one is what you make of it – whether you become a better person in it, or a more miserable one!
I say, you should celebrate wherever you are and make the most of it. Being single can be extremely liberating, light, peaceful and much can be accomplished when you are alone. Just think of all the monks and nuns in the world, of all religions and traditions. They are all single, but how powerful and happy they are!