Young, Single and What About It?
Dear friends around the world,
In Asian cultures, especially Chinese culture, getting married is considered a very essential part of life. Therefore marriage is very much encouraged. Nine out of ten families think very highly of marriage because having a family bloodline is considered as honouring the ancestors and bringing glory to the family.
Before I ran away from home, my parents too expected me to get married and have a family eventually which is something I have never wanted. Below is quite an interesting piece of research that I have came across, I hope everyone reads through it thoroughly and let me know what your thoughts are.
Tsem Rinpoche
Young, single and what about it?
In her tiny flat, which she shares with two cats and a flock of porcelain owls, Chi Yingying describes her parents as wanting to be the controlling shareholders in her life. Even when she was in her early 20s, her mother raged at her for being unmarried. At 28 Ms Chi took “the most courageous decision of my life” and moved into her own home. Now 33, she relishes the privacy—at a price: her monthly rent of 4,000 yuan ($625) swallows nearly half her salary.
In many countries leaving the family home well before marriage is a rite of passage. But in China choosing to live alone and unmarried as Ms Chi has done is eccentric verging on taboo. Chinese culture attaches a particularly high value to the idea that families should live together. Yet ever more people are living alone.
In the decade to 2010 the number of single-person households doubled. Today over 58m Chinese live by themselves, according to census data, a bigger number of one-person homes than in America, Britain and France combined. Solo dwellers make up 14% of all households. That is still low compared with rates found in Japan or Taiwan (see chart), but the proportion will certainly increase.
The pattern of Chinese living alone is somewhat different from that in the West, because tens of millions of (mainly poor) migrant workers have moved away from home to find work in more prosperous regions of China; many in this group live alone, often in shoeboxes. Yet for the most part younger Chinese living alone are from among the better-off. “Freedom and new wealth” have broken China’s traditional family structures, says Jing Jun of Tsinghua University in Beijing.
The better-educated under-30-year-olds are, and the more money they have, the more likely they are to live alone. Rich parts of China have more non-widowed single dwellers: in Beijing a fifth of homes house only one person. The marriage age is rising, particularly in big cities such as Shanghai and Guangzhou, where the average man marries after 30 and the average woman at 28, older than their American counterparts. Divorce rates are also increasing, though they are still much lower than in America. More than 3.5m Chinese couples split up each year, which adds to the number of single households.
For some, living alone is a transitional stage on the way to marriage, remarriage or family reunification. But for a growing number of people it may be a permanent state. In cities, many educated, urban women stay single, often as a positive choice—a sign of rising status and better employment opportunities. Rural areas, by contrast, have a skewed sex ratio in which men outnumber women, a consequence of families preferring sons and aborting female fetuses or abandoning baby girls. The consequence is millions of reluctant bachelors.
In the past, adulthood in China used, almost without exception, to mean marriage and having children within supervised rural or urban structures. Now a growing number of Chinese live beyond prying eyes, able to pursue the social and sexual lives they choose.
In the long run that poses a political challenge: the love of individual freedom is something that the Chinese state has long tried to quash. Living alone does not have to mean breaching social norms—phones and the internet make it easier than ever to keep in touch with relations, after all. Yet loosening family ties may open up space for new social networks, interest groups, even political aspirations of which the state may come to disapprove.
For now those who live alone are often subject to mockery. Unmarried females are labelled “leftover women”; unmarried men, “bare branches”—for the family tree they will never grow. An online group called “women living alone” is stacked with complaints about being told to “get a boyfriend”.
Even eating out can be a trial, since Chinese food culture is associated with groups of people sharing a whole range of dishes. After repeated criticism for dining alone, in 2014 Yanni Cai, a Shanghai journalist, wrote “Eating Alone”, a book on how singletons can adapt Chinese cuisine to make a single plate a meal in itself. According to tradition, even a frugal Chinese meal comprises “four dishes and one soup”. A single diner is likely to find that rather too much to stomach.
Source: http://www.economist.com/node/21662592?cid1=d/soc/Facebook/dyn/21662592/20151001-00:00am/paid/social-LA/BR-WB/BRPII/n/subs/MY/BR-LIT
For more interesting information:
- Would You Live Here for 30 Years?
- The Farm of Your Mind
- Einstein on Buddhism
- Do you know someone like this?
- My social media image was a lie
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If, I mean if…. I can turn the clock around, I prefer to be single. Being single does have its benefits and thanks to Rinpoche for His Dharma. Although I’m married but I started to appreciate those being single. Happiness does come from within and not from the outside. There are many successful men and women out there being single too.
However, if you do not have a purpose in life, being single maybe the worst omen for you. In that case, being single may put you into horrible situation thinking that you have nothing good in this life and you’re meant to suffer. Hence, be contented and achieve more whether you’re single or otherwise.
For those who are still in deciding, this is rather a good post to look into.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article. In my opinion, nowadays many women are highly educated and hold a high post in the corporate companies. To them, to have a partner or not is not an issue as they can afford to live alone. The increasing number of divorce cases are also due to the husband or boyfriend having affair or the couple got married too quickly without thinking much. That is why more and more women back off from getting married after they see their friends or family members with such cases.
I do not think there is a problem societal cultures, however sometimes time and changing environments can invalidate certain societal norms. What was acceptable and something that fits once before in the society we live in, may not be so suitable after a certain period.
It is very interesting the Chinese Culture has so much influence from food, I suppose not being single is a way of getting more food down the hatch.
Living alone is not a big issue in most culture, but it’s undesirable in Chinese culture. Leaving parents and stay alone most of the time will be perceived as “bu xiao” (not filial piety) or considered as not caring for one’s parents. Actually there is no right or wrong to stay with family even entering adulthood. But most of the time, parents will still prying into the lives of their offspring or even controlling their lifestyle or daily routines. Therefore one can’t have much opportunity to learn to be independent and has very little freedom to live a different lifestyle from own parents, if they choose to stay together with parents.
Apart from different lifestyle, living with parents could be a barrier for men or women to choose a career in different cities or countries. This has become a great challenge or dilemma especially for men to have to choose between staying with parents and chasing own dreams. Same goes to women, getting married and taking care of children at home are still considered a virtue for women, the first priority in life in most Chinese families. Living alone chasing one’s dream and not getting married is often called “leftover women”, a derogatory term for unmarried women nowadays, misleadingly implies these women have failed to meet men’s standards.
A matured adult shall be the one that can think and behave wisely and independently, free from the old traditional beliefs, and at the same time being considerate to family and others. Living alone or stay single should not be judged as a wrong move, and parents should allow their children to chase their dreams freely, support them fully without imposing own expectation on them. Understanding from parents will be an irreplaceable support and encouragement for youngsters to realize their dreams especially when different value exists between two generations.
Having just read the blogpost “Heart to Heart with Teresa Hsu”, I now look with fresh perspectives on this issue of being young,single and living alone . Societal norms or cultural norms did not stop Teresa from being single and remaining single. She led a full life, everyday of her long life. Her life was rich with meaning and purpose. She was always focussed outwards and always sought ways and means to serve the needy and the poor. There was no room in her life for self-cherishing thoughts. She only worried and planned for the poor and needy, regardless of race, colour or creed. If one can love others with such an all-encompassing love like Teresa Hsu, there will be no room for fear of being alone or lonely.
It is all about choices and making the right choice.It’s about how to live one’s life to the optimum in benefiting or serving others.
Thanks Rinpoche for sharing the article.
I grow up in a traditional Chinese family and yes my parent used to share same thoughts with the norm that the success of a person is having a marriage, family with kids. And I always wonder who define this? So by just having them, even if it jeopardizes our life, it is still considered a success?
My mom used to be very upset when my elder sister had a divorce. She didn’t understand why she had to break the family apart and made her 2 kids to grow up without the biological father. I spent quite a long time with my mom to go through this period, that I encourage her to think clearly what made her upset.
I explained by breaking the situation down to let her see that it’s the social expectation that made her feel like a loser when her daughter had a divorce. She then understands that if she really loves her daughter, she should allow and happy with the daughter to choose her life.
I can tell my parents still hoping to see me wearing a wedding gown and knee in front of the ancestor tablets with another man. But they didn’t tell me directly because they accept that I have a different definition for life, and they also understand that marriage is not the only way to success or having a happy life.
Thank you for the interesting post.
Unconsciously, the modern generation is nurtured to be alone because of the strong focus on “me, myself and I”. In fact, getting others involved often end up in painful consequences as differences no longer develop patience and tolerance. Instead, it breeds frustration, anger, fighting and quarrels between people who vowed to love each other in sickness and in health…
The conflict in our action and the delusion of what we think we want is the cause of the friction within each of us today.
I think a good start is to take a moment to gather the courage and kindness to have a good look at ourselves. To determine what we want and sincerely and diligently pursue this course wholeheartedly.
I personally think that marriage should not be forced onto a person. In this modern era, people are more open-minded and are starting to accept the concept that marriage is not everything. A person does not need a marriage or kids to be successful. To me, marriage is just about a piece of paper, I don’t see there’s a need of “tying” a relationship to a piece of paper, but of course this is just my opinion. This is a very interesting article, it’s a good reflect on the old culture/ system.
Whilst the subject matter of the article relates to China, the society’s expectation for people to behave a certain way (e.g. from getting married to staying with family and not leaving alone) is definitely universal. This stems from the norm for people to define happiness and measure contentment based on society’s standard. People are so used to the institutionalised definition of what is normal that any deviation automatically would result in censors, disapprovals and also deemed “abnormal”. Nothing is permanent and institutionalised definition of normalcy is no exception. Hence, we now see more acceptance and less stigmatisation of the actions deemed abnormal (e.g. people opting to stay single, live alone etc) in sync with the changes in the manner of thinking within the communities. It is actually quite scary that many so readily embrace the dictates of society as means to determine their happiness without thinking twice. And without being aware that by doing so, it will often bring about the opposite intended results.
I think that being single should be accepted as a personal choice and to be respected. Being married is also a personal choice not to be forced.
China has traditionally expected their children to be married off at a very young age to propagate and expand the family tree. In the olden days where illness does not have the medical advancement of today, children succumb to their illness very easily. So a large brood will ensure the lineage of the family. Also due to the poor condition of living, more children are welcome as helping hands, especially if the work is labour intensive without the modern tools that we have today. When the parents are working then the older children will look after the younger ones. Over the lifetimes, this mentality becomes so deeply entrenched and becomes a custom.
As China opens its borders for economical reasons, more of the newer generation are exposed to the cultures of other advance countries, ie. US, UK, Europe, etc. where independence is very much valued and respected. With the improved economy and work conditions, the younger generation finds themselves with income that allows them to have the freedom of choice. With this freedom, they would want to fulfil their “dreams” without the burden of having a family or having to answer to anyone.
I still remember from my own experience how my parents would bring me out to meet their friends or dinner functions. It was only later that I found out they were trying to match make me. Once I have a boyfriend then its “When are you going to get married?”. After my marriage, they moved on to my brother and then my sister. However my father and mom passed away without seeing my sister married and they charged me with the duty to help my sister find a husband before they left. Of course having met with the dharma, I pretty much left her alone to make her choice and I do envy her freedom to pursue what ever activity she chooses.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article and I personally feel there is no right or wrong by being single. It is a personal choice that should be respected and happiness can be found within the mind, not from dependence on another.
The changing pattern and behavior of the Chinese society has reflected in the era of the internet. With fast intranet speed, smart phones and LAN lines available to just about anyone, even a child changed the whole demographics of a society.
The new generation of young, internet savy and singles are usually educated, armed with new wealth, independent and little supervision from parents. Moving away from rural locations to huge cities for education, high rent forces them to rent single rooms and living alone. The label of ‘leftover women’ in China is especially degrading for the female in general. It implies gender discrimination against them.
This article from Independent UK (http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/leftover-women-in-china-emotional-advert-challenges-the-pressure-on-single-women-to-get-married-a6980291.html) with headline “Emotional advert challenges the pressure on single women to get married” does not make sense to me. Being unmarried does not mean they are leftovers, to be treated like an ‘item’ or ‘object’. Plus what is wrong with being unmarried?
It is not like being married will provide female with better lifestyle, more wealth or freedom or independence living with another spouse. There is no guarantee for good lasting marriage either these days.
I find these ‘old age’ concepts befitting of the older era where female were brought up to think in ancient ways.
Being in the norms is very important especially for the chinese community. Everyone have to either follow the norms of the society or they get pressured, mocked and made fun off. Apparently, “face” is more important than happiness. Many people submits to the pressure of the society and chose to adhere to the norms and do that they doesn’t like. Little to they know that by doing that, they are creating more suffering on themselves and others as well. An example will be getting married under pressure and later divorce due to unhappiness of the marriage.
Being Single is not a crime and being in a relationship should not be the ultimate goal of life. Everybody has their right to choose what they want to do with their life and we shouldn’t stick our noses in other people’s life.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article. Samsara will be samsara afterall.
Humbly,
Chris
From the research, we know that there are more and more Chinese youngsters and not so young people stay single, not because they are not able to get a partner/soul mate. but thinking of new generation is changing. Being happy is no more equal to having a family and many kids. Feeling fulfilled or meaningful in life is not about aquaire something in life as well. no one actually really guarantee you will not feeling alone when you have someone besides you all the time 😉 Happiness, satisfaction and meaningful life is actually not about acquired something and least to fulfulling others’ expectation. Thank you Rinpoche sharing this interesting research about the new generation in China.
Being single is a personal choice, yet most of the single people are always being asked why are you not married? Why are you still Single? DO you have partner? This is the tagline we always hear when ever we meet our family and friends during gathering.
Chinese culture, especially the parents had been instilling in our mind that we need to find a partner, get married, have children, share responsibilities, take care of each other, and make the family Bloodline proud, and also that when we get old, the children will take care of us. This is the common understanding in every Chinese family.
But as we see the trend, this is changing, many people are opting to be single, because there is freedom, they are not tied to commitment, and they can focus on their career, work and doing things without being questions and doubt for.
Being Happy depend how you live your life meaningfully even though you are single.
Personally I believe that people have the right to live wherever they want and however they want. Its sad to know that in the past people would be judged and pressured into getting married because it was seen as wrong to live alone. That is in China at least.
I am happy to know that even in China times are changing and more people are getting the freedom to have whatever lifestyle they want. Less people are put under social pressure to get married and have a family and I think that is a positive development.
I think the reason behind this change is that people are more independent these days as well as they are more well-off in terms of money. More wealthy people can afford to live alone and more independent people can make their own choices. Women are also becoming more independent and no longer rely on men for financial support.
I think life could be more wonderful even you are not getting maried, we can see many single happy people around us. Therefore, happyness is nothing to do with getting maried.
I know a lot more who are married that are more unhappy then the singles. Of course, when you have a partner and a family, there will be more responsibilities and then eventually, they will find themselves stuck. Of course, there are also single women/men out there who are unhappy and they are always chasing after relationship or other things in life.
But I am happy that there are more awareness in the East that being single is OK and no longer a taboo. Big corporation like P&G who uses their brand SKII in China (see below link) to raise the awareness of being single is OK and the society should change their outlook on this matter.
At the end of the day, I believe being happy starts with one’s mind whether you have a partner or not. The mind here is extremely important and we can’t never let it control us in whatever situation we are in. This is one of the reason why Rinpoche’s advice to me many years ago still prevails until today, that we are in control and the only way to be really happy with oneself is through the service of others. Regardless whether you are single or not. Cause happiness is the ultimate goal many tries to achieve.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irfd74z52Cw
The way I see it, it’s a little to do with culture as well as cost. Traditionally Asian societies tend to have more multi-generation households. Filial piety is stronger in these cultures and parents and grand-parents usually also live in the same household and are not left to fend for themselves or sent to the old-folk’s home, generally speaking. I see the same pattern with my friends in Korea, China and Thailand etc. On the other hand, my European friends always live away from their parents. When I ask them if their elderly mother lives on her own, they say yes. And what happens to her when she gets too old? She goes to a nursing home. That’s how it is there.
Looking at the statistics, it shows a trend of more single households in the more developed countries and less in the less developed countries. It makes sense as, if they are too poor, how do we expect each child to move out and get a place of their own? It would make more economic sense to all bunk in together in the same space.
It’s not always that grown up children with their own kids don’t want to move out of their family home, but it could be the other way around, the parents are invited to come live with the family so that they can be cared for, and also they may come in handy to keep an eye on the kids, what with the freeze on foreign maids these days! Also, the price of property has skyrocketed so much that these days it is becoming very difficult to acquire property. Thus the young family may have no choice but to bunk in with other members of their family until they have saved enough to secure their own place.
But I do think that if the children have grown up and are making a living, they should definitely take over paying for the household expenses and not expect their parents to foot everything and do everything and serve them still. That would create friction and maybe family disputes. They should be serving their parents instead.
Eventually of course it would be ideal for them to move out and invest in their own home. Later when we are old and infirm, it’s left to be seen how we’d be treated. But I don’t expect too much. After all, we came alone and we will have to leave alone.
Young and single. ahh! They spell FREEDOM!!
Dwelling in a developing and fast moving city like KL, more and more of my female peers are singleton. Unlike in olden days where female depended largely on their partner or their maiden family for financial support, women today are financially independent. However, it is rather apparent that most of these ladies are not singleton by choice. Many were divorcee from problematic spouse while some missed their boat due to heart-broken history.
While it is human instinct to yearn for companion-ship, we must understand that our image of a relationship / marriage could be a delusion. The temporary pleasure and happy feeling lure our deluded mind into clinging on to the perishable happiness, thinking it will last forever, but it will not. It is the unmet expectation and strong attachment on the other person that causes our suffering.
As long as we are not attached to the person or the fleeting happiness, a relationship / marriage can be a positive injection in life. Especially if both share the same interest and values in life, each can be the pillar of strength and support for the other in both good and bad times.
Thank you Rinpoche for this sharing.
Humbly, bowing down,
Stella Cheang
I am single so I love this article so much .Many people think that married is MUST in our life but I don’t think so. After I joined Kechara, dharma is higher priority than others. Single is more freedom to practice dharma rather than married or relationship with others.
Many single lady especially 40 year old above will get a title “leftover women” from society. This so rude and unfair to them.So called “Left over women” “is nothing wrong , they ability earn money and stay single and independent .
Single or married is just a label.Most important is we must practice more dharma work in this life to benefit others and get a liberation.
Thanks Rinpoche for sharing this.
With folded hands,
Jason
Single, marriage, freedom, controlling is a definition that society has create for the human race, and then put a rules & regulations to this definition, then comes expectation for oneself is set, and then come expectations from family/parents and etc. My thought is that it is the “pressure to be normal or follow the flow of the changes”, so what matters most is that one can find what makes feel “happy” and “peace” in one’s mind.
Hi Doreen, thank you for your comment! I think what these Chinese millennials are trying to escape is what you said – pressure and expectations. From this we can see that expectations make everyone unhappy. It makes the parents unhappy when the child does not fulfill the expectations, and it makes the kids unhappy when they have expectations to fulfill.
In the long run, they’re just going to be running into another set of expectations that will ultimately be unfulfilled. They leave home to live alone, expecting to be happy but how long will this happiness last?
What’s also interesting is that regardless of culture, society generally expects us to live with other people. So when these Chinese millennials want to live alone, it’s considered strange and when practitioners want to be alone to engage in retreats, that’s considered strange too!
Anyway, thank you for your comment on the blog and please do keep reading and commenting!
Interesting article on single and staying alone. They are more people who prefer to live alone now. We have seen more of this happening in developed and developing country. Some do it because they move from small town to big city to work. But generally I think people now prefer to have their own space, freedom and independence.