I Abhor Teaching…confessions of a dharma teacher
I answer ONE QUESTION A DAY on my blog and this is one very good question from this person. I felt her question is direct, kind and also wishes to do something to help. I find Winnie’s question very good because she is sympathetic and wishes to help… very kind and I very much appreciate her kindness… I thought I’d share her question and my answers:
Question asked by Winnie Wang
Rinpoche, you seem unhappy lately. Would it help if we wrote your gurus, and asked them to give you some time off to meditate? Or maybe we should ask them to send people to help you, so you wouldn’t have to do everything yourself. I could start a petition on the internet.
Dear Winnie,
I have never wanted to teach. When I was sent from 1992 till now, I have not been happy at teaching at all. So this ‘unhappiness’ is not recent. It’s just I have been more open and vocal about it as I have places to write about it. I would like people to know how much pressures, scrutiny, expectations, projections, prejudices people have about a dharma teacher. How much disappointments dharma teachers receive and have to swallow. Asians or Tibetans are not in the habit of talking about personal issues. It doesn’t seem ‘proper’ that a dharma teacher would express this.
Raising funds is another aspect of my work I dread. If I don’t do it, very little will be done about it most of the time. People like to get benefits from your fundraising but do very little to support or give most of the time… There are a few exceptions in the past and present, but the majority makes me not like to fundraise. The criticisms involved when you raise funds is incredible. Everyone knows that all religious institutions rely on donations and it is necessary. So I am not doing something that has not been done before. Then some people will donate, become unhappy and want their items back later or accuse you of taking their items under duress…like what?? Huh? Shocking. I would never do that..NEVER..even scary to think about..but the delusions/fantasies/anger/stories ppl have can be beyond imagination sometimes… I have offered so much to my gurus, the sangha and monasteries in my life.. I have asked for nothing back…I would never ask for anything back. Imagine if all the people who donated to any religious institution wanted everything back. What havoc.What a negative trend. How can someone give and then say they want it back??? It really blows my mind the fantasies/anger people create and wish to take it out on others to the detriment of themselves/others short and long term. Karma exists. Money is always very sensitive, but how to build and grow without donations or viable financial help? So raising funds is very tedious and I truly dread this part of my work.
I have seen my teachers sometimes deeply disappointed or sad, it’s just they don’t talk about it or very little. It is not in Tibetan culture to talk openly…well I am Tibetan and decided why not express the truth and what I feel. Their sadness does not affect their kindness, wisdom, knowledge and their continuous hardwork toward others I have seen with my own eyes many times over. For this I fold my hands to them and bow my head to their feets. May I be like them. Bodhisattvas do feel pain, they just don’t act out of it…they don’t increase it, although they feel pain, they still find ways to help….
I will not stop teaching, and I am not happy about it. It is not easy to always tell people what they need to change or know what is going to happen to them or the effects of their karma…it is very easy to create ‘enemies’ when you don’t tell them what they like to hear. The main issue I don’t like about teaching is people produce very tiny results even if you put 100% into them, explain, help or talk…so I prefer action dharma or quiet dharma. Their habitual comfort zones blind them to the impending results..very sad to see. Teaching many of them makes very little dents in this zone… It is very disappointing to see ppl around me who have been around for 5-10 years or more and they change very little if any change at all. That is the biggest disappointment for any teacher even an unqualified one like silly me.. It must be largely my fault and as I am unqualified to teach and have very little impact on these ppl so they don’t change…. Whatever it is, it is very disappointing to see. I am never out to get students. Look for students or want students to leave their teacher to join me. I always discourage ppl to come to me….
As one of my teachers said, in this day in age, to do dharma is like being a white crow among the black. I don’t do great dharma, but I have given thirty years of my life and youth to it so far completely.
As long as I have to teach, I will never be at peace or be happy. But if it is the order of my guru, then I will do it and do it till the end. I have more faith in my teachers than in my unhappiness to teach. I trust them more than my reluctance to teach. So I just do it and do it the best I can and continue. I will do the best I can in teaching although I abhor it.
I thank you for your concern and your active wish to help by petition, but it will not be necessary..it is deeply appreciated. You didn’t just write empty words,but wish to help by action. That is very special…very appreciated…. I have requested to retire earlier this year and it was not accepted. So I will continue and will write about my dissatisfaction in teaching sometimes as it is how I feel, but it will not affect my energy and motivation when I teach. I can seperate the two. When I teach, I mean every word, because I TRULY BELIEVE IN THE DHARMA AND SEEN IT’S EFFECTS.
In life we have to do things we don’t like, but we still have to do our best as it will somehow benefit people eventually. What keeps me going is that it MIGHT EVENTUALLY BENEFIT OTHERS….
Tsem Rinpoche
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Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your thoughts and feelings been a Dharma teacher. Besides teaching through words, there is the even more difficult task of teaching . It requires great courage and a lot of commitment been a Dharma teacher like Rinpoche. I truly admired and appreciate all the teachings I have learn, practice and the knowledge through Rinpoche’s blog and You-Tubes videos. It is truly an incredible opportunity for me .
1984 Los Angeles-Left to right: Geshe Tsultrim Gyeltsen, His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche, monk assistant to Zong Rinpoche and the 18-year-old Tsem Rinpoche prior to ordination. Read more- https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/category/me
I was walking past a second hand shop on Western Ave selling old things. They had a Japanese-style clay Buddha which was beige in colour on the floor, holding the door open. I thought the shopkeeper would collect a lot of negative karma without knowing if he kept such a holy item on the floor as a doorstop. So I went in to talk to him, but he didn’t look like he wanted to talk or that he even cared. So I asked him the price and he said US$5. I purchased it so he did not collect more negative karma. I was 17 years old and that was in 1982.
I escorted my new Buddha home and washed it lightly and wiped it. I placed it on my altar and was happy with the Buddha. I would do my meditations, prayers, sadhanas, mantras and prostrations in front of this shrine daily. When I left for India in 1987, I could not bring this Buddha along and gave it to a friend. It was a nice size and I made offerings to this Buddha for many years in Los Angeles. In front of the Buddha I placed His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s photo. I remember I was so relieved that the price was affordable. But US$5 that time was still expensive for me but worth it I thought. But I was happy to have brought the Buddha home. Tsem Rinpoche
https://www.tsemrinpoche.com
Tsem Rinpoche at Kechara Forest Retreat, Bentong, Malaysia
Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive read anything like this before. So good to find anyone with some unique ideas on this subject. realy thanks for starting this up. this website is one thing that is wanted on the net, someone with a little bit originality. useful job for bringing one thing new to the web!
First of all, “thank you” to Winnie for taking effective action by expressing your sincere concern for Rinpoche and offering a solution. It is inspiring and a good lesson to everyone that we should be proactive and solution oriented!
Dearest Rinpoche,
It is very sad to hear in depth the disappointments and dread Rinpoche has to endure for your unworthy students and all sentient beings. As Rinpoche wrote, I am certain all great Masters had to go through similar experiences. Rinpoche is once again expressing in a manner that we, ignorant and dense people, can get it so that all Dharma students from all over the world who read Rinpoche’s writing will have the opportunity to learn this lesson and improve themselves to reduce the suffering of their kind Gurus.
I believe that Rinpoche “dislikes” teaching and raising fund, not because of the act itself but mainly because of the ignorance and self-cherishing students persistently display in the process.
Therefore, if we want our Guru to feel happy, be healthy and live long, we do not need to obtain external help. The first-step solution is easier that we think and it is within each and everyone of Rinpoche’s students: our transformation. I believe that if we transform and create results in our lives that benefit others, Rinpoche will be happy, healthy and choose to live long to spread that Dharma in all ten directions. Rinpoche may even develop a liking for teaching and fund raising
Rinpoche, you are the best spiritual teacher I have ever met. Rinpoche humbly states that Rinpoche is not a good teacher and that contributes to a student’s poor development. I was told this once: a teacher appears when the student is ready. Therefore, a student seeking spiritual growth will have it because he or she is committed to it and not because of the Guru, the centre etc.
I hope my sharing above did not offend anyone. I merely wish to remind us that we can do something for our Guru who has done too much for us. So, let’s start today, a step at a time.
Dear Li Kheng,
Thank you very much for your sharing. Sorry that my comment is more than 10 years late. Rinpoche has indeed done too much for us, but in our hearts he is always alive. Wishing you well, and let’s continue on our spiritual journey together. Never give up!! 🙂
Kind regards
Ching Ee 😘
Dear Rinpoche,
Your Teachings are truly amazing. Please NEVER stop Teaching, even though we are sometimes slow to respond the seeds of the Liberating Dharma are sown with your each and every word, will surely ripen in future in the mindstream of all who hear them and are thus of the utmost preciousness. They are all seeds and they WILL ripen. I take great comfort and encouragement from that. I wish you all the help you need in order to make your efforts easy and that you will always be happy teaching and that all your wishes for your students come true.
Please Bless us to all quickly become Enlightened like You.
I just want to say I am newbie to blogging and really loved you’re web blog. Almost certainly I’m likely to bookmark your blog post . You certainly have wonderful writings. Bless you for sharing with us your webpage.
Your courage, sincerity and dedication are reasons Why I consider You My Hero. The masses may not listen and be hard to sway but your words have changed my life. Thanks to you, My family no longer deals with an angry out of control monster. I may be lost and unsure of myself, but thanks to you I react with the intention of compassion, not winning.
Living on the edge, I may not have money but I dedicate and give all the merits from my practice to you and the wonderful organization you have created. May you be forever blessed and know that you are the greatest teacher I have ever Known.
Dear temugen,
Thank you so much for your comment.
I’m so glad to hear that Rinpoche’s teachings have changed your life – he is truly our Hero. Wishing you well, and thinking of you today. ❤️
Sincerely
Ching Ee
Dear Rinpoche, I am deeply touch by your hard work, endless caring and honesty with yourself and towards other. You have giving us so much already!
–In life we have to do things we don’t like, but we still have to do our best as it will somehow benefit people eventually. What keeps me going is that it MIGHT EVENTUALLY BENEFIT OTHERS….–
Thank you Rinpoche for your infinite patience and kindness, working with us, forgiving us and giving us always your best.
A few years ago, I would have found it hard to understand why and how someone like Tsem Tulku Rinpoche could still be “sad”, or “depressed”…
In my expectation, then, I thought that through the practice of meditation, and with a realized understanding of the teachings of the Buddha, one would gain a peace of mind from which sadness and feelings of depression could not arise anymore.
Today, I am still as ignorant, but I have studied and learn things that have changed my understanding, and this is how I figured out that Rinpoche can still be sad and depressed at times and even find it un-pleasant to teach.
I take the example of ME: if and when I feel depressed and sad, and if I try to analyse the reasons why, it comes to have arisen from a disattisfaction, a deceived expectation that has ME as the object. I am sad because I suffer for not having what I want and having what I don’t want, I am depressed because others did not pay ME enough attention, because others are trying to get at ME, because I was dumbed, because I did not get a salary raise, because I got ill or accidented, because I lost my reputation, because I lost MY money. these feelings are like satellites orbiting around ME, MYSELF, and I.
However, when Rinpoche is sad, Rinpoche is so because of others, because Rinpoche does not see a change in his students, because Rinpoche may feel his efforts do not come to fruition in his student’s minds, because the students are so picky and sometimes go backwards instead of forward despites Rinpoche’s efforts and care. Because Rinpoche cares so much, loves so much. And we, Rinpoche’s students do not transform, it makes Rinpoche’s words and actions irrelevant, it makes Rinpoche’s Gurus irrelevant. Very sad.
So, we should not think that Rinpoche’s un-happiness to teach is un-connected with us, his students, we are the cause for that un-happiness, and we can be the cause for Rinpoche to not be sad or “abhor” teaching anymore by transforming, by following his advises, by practicing. This is Guru devotion, it is not protocole and all, it is practicing through Rinpoche’s advise. And this is what Rinpoche is teaching us by teaching for the last 18 years eventhough it was not Rinpoche’s wish, Rinpoche is teaching us Guru devotion. I believe we can make Rinpoche happy to teach by showing Rinpoche the same devotion.
Guru devotion is the root of the path, when we do not act by this, it is like saying that the lamrim teachings are wrong. And when we say this, it is like thinking that we know better than the Buddhas. It is putting our attachment higher than the Dharma, higher than our Guru. Brrr….
I wish I can bring about a change in my mind and recognize that my attachment are not my “safe refuge”, but that Guru devotion is. Thank you Rinpoche for not giving up on me, thank you for your tenacity with your stubborn student.
Hello Thierry,
Great post.
IMO, following guru devotion is correct but not to the extend of “blind” Guru devotion. I mean, if you see a student following a bad teacher with devotion, do you praise the student for doing his/her duty and letting that student go to the wrong path or what will you do ? We have to use our intelligence to identify what make sense and what doesn’t make sense. Even if one learn new techings must also need to comtemplate and investigate first before fully agree with them. Able to use intelligence to think and reason, is what make Buddhism different from other religions, though they all have the same goal – to do good and live happy life. Anyways, they are just my opinion only.
Hope you will gain wisdom.
Dear sir,
Thanks for expressing your thoughts and in the perspective of a good teacher. I will tell you my experiences as a student who hasn’t have affinity with good teachers. I have seen teachers who are really selfish and have used students and throw students away once they have no value. They don’t care about the students’ future but their own in the name of their survival in this Society and their need to support their children. I (as a student) am disappointed with teachers and am slowly wonder if my dream of wanting to be a good teacher is possible because: Fact 1: I understand teachers have to also make it in their life only then they can help students (i.e., society expectation – this has Nothing to do with spiritual/religion, just the hard reality of Society and Life). Fact 2: Because of this expectation, teachers become less care of the students’ future but their own first and slowly it becomes a habit and very slowly they walk to the path of selfishness. Fact 3: Knowing the facts make me sad of the end results of this path as I realize to fight it I may have to scarify my family.
Your student may not meet your expectations but having these students who are willing to change, respect you, and be there for you to help you is already a blessing for a teacher. Many teachers who I seen have no students coming back to them when they retired and that is because they haven’t been good teachers to their students who once trusted and respected them.
Thanks for your patience and reading my lament.
It is because of Guru Rinpoche that each day I recite his mantra in order to thank him for giving you his knowledge to teach… I also chant his mantra each day in hopes of meeting you or receiving some form of blessing from you… I’m not stained by the eight world concerns… What benefit would I get from meeting another person who is equal as me? I do this because I have faith that one day I will be free from samsara because of your teachings and I work to free others as well. People may mock me but I don’t care because I work for their happiness and yours as well Rinpoche… That is why I recite Padmasambhava’s mantra…. http://www.khandro.net/VGP.htm
Ps If you know for a fact that you have seen dharma and its effects, then I have too! I have meditated on Manjusri’s mantra (om a ra pa ca na di) and I too have seen the wonders of Dharma! Before I only cared about one person and that was me, but reciting Manjusri’s mantra (along with Padmasambhava’s mantra) I know that it can help others! I may not be an attained being, but you know what I know that I WILL benefit others and you WILL too Rinpoche… It is faith that carries us. It is determination that will change MIGHT into a WILL!
Dear Rinpoche,
Your ‘ confession’ here has touched me greatly. I also confess there were many times when i felt frustrated and despondent that people were not taking learning seriously or even interested.
I believe in the Dharma 100 % and its beneficial effects from my own experience. What makes my day is when I receive smses from those attending classes who relate how Dharma had changed their lives for the better.
After reading your heart message here and the last line , I am deeply humbled and feel renewed with joyous energy to persevere and continue sharing Dharma with others for the rest of my life. I sincerely hope the little bit of Dharma work an unattained student like me is doing, will complement Rinpoche’s action and quiet Dharma and larger goal for all of us.
Dear Lama
Thank you for sharing the above information. I believe I have contributed to some of your unhappiness in the past, and I sincerely apologize for it. I do not want to promise anything that have not been completed, since promises are only empty words without realization. Right now, I am just trying to do my best and grasp every opportunity to benefit others that are coming my way. With each work completed, I gain a little bit more understanding of Dharma and how to apply it in my daily life.
Much love
Valentina
Much love
Valentina