Question asked by Pain
I have a problem where my mind keep chasing after thoughts, and I keep talking to myself, until sometimes I have an urge to commit suicide, an is really overwhelming that until sometimes I lost conscious of what I am doing, and often masturbate. Hence in order to stop it, I vow in front of kuan yin not to do again, but I slip, and confess slip and confess, thus in order to reduce this process I have recited om mani padme hum around almost 100,000 I see that it has been reduce. But during the reciting of om mani padme hung in between I do masturbate. Hence now I challenge my self during the process of reciting mantras not to masturbate. Things were quite smooth but later after my father consulted an oracle in klang about my confusion, and I have a Taoist fu that you burn and drink, I have one of those fu,drink it and since that day the situation even more overwhelming and now when I recite mantras even more obstacles
, such as doubts about the buddhas, like example when I recite om mani padme hum, a thought arise inside me: "recite kuan yin mantra you won't get wisdom as fast manjushri mantra, manjushri has vow to deliver wisdom because now you in confusion, is better to recite manjushri, in fact this information you get from the kechara pastor site".https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/ask-the-pastors/page/17. Then later I recite manjushri mantra, another thought comes: " since the mantra of manjushri represents wisdom but now you have heavy karma I think should recite vajrasattva, vajrasattva represents purity hence compare with manjushri much more faster," then I recite vajrasattva. And another thought comes:" you need wealth you should recite the Buddha that represents wealth, vajrasattva can bring wealth but much slower because she is using via the channel purity to give you wealth, not via the channel wealth to give wealth. And this thinking going on and on and plus the masturbation rate even stronger, harder to control this make me nervous. As In the taking trance video, tsem rinpoche did mention that some trance s were undependable. Now I am in strong confusion as I do not know how,extremely in suffering. As it affects my study, career and relationship because I will suddenly lost conscious of what I am doing. I heard that tsem rinpoche are able to do divination, and I know he won't do it for anybody hence I run to an oracle but the situation only get worse. Hence can compassionately do it for me? Because I am really in confusion. For further information, I have decided to stick with cundi who have vow to give everything such as wealth,cure diesease,wisdom, purify karma…. such and such. Now I decided to go with her all the way, is my decision correct?Because I decided this out of confusion. As I do not want to skip here and there anymore. Skipping here and there only increase the affilictive emotions within me. The voice of doubts within me are really strong.
Dear Pain,
I have read through your questions. I have a couple of suggestions for your situation:
1. You have sought spiritual help for your situation which is a good thing. However you should also try worldly professional help at the same time. Your situation can be either one or a combination of both. It is better to play safe and seek professional help as well as. In Buddhist practice we use many methods to solve our problems.
2. From what you have written your minds seems to run very quickly to new thoughts and ideas. If you engage in breathing mediation you will see that you mind can calm down. It is one of the benefits of breathing mediation. This will have a profound effect on your mind.
3. You have chosen to concentrate on the practice of Cundi. Please keep doing this practice strongly. As you have skipped between various practices, you probably did not gain many benefits from either of the practices. You should stick with one practice and go all the way with it. If you are willing, you should engage in the practice of Lama Tsongkhapa’s Guru Yoga. This will help stabiles your mind, but you must engage in the practice strongly.
4. You can direct your request for a divination to mail@tsemladrang.com but please note that Tsem Rinpoche seldom performs divinations.
I hope this helps. Please let me know if there is anything more I can help you with.