Question asked by S
Please help me,
when I was 12 I got sent to live with my father in another state who I had not seen since I was an infant. I was miserable being away from my grandmother who I lived with before being sent away because my mother was an alcoholic and she couldn't care for me. My grandmother was in poor health and constantly worried about the crazy things my mom would do when she was drunk which was literally everyday. I loved and still love my grandmother more than anything on earth and I was incredibly depressed not being there for her. It became unbearable and one night I had a panic attack from worry and sadness and I said aloud in tears "please I will seek my soul to Satan if I can go back home to live with my grandmother again" within DAYS my grandmother called me and told me that my mom had died and that I would be on the next airplane home to be at her funeral. Also I spoke to my mother on the phone a day or two before she died and I asked her to please bring me home and her exact words were "I will do something to bring you home" I knew she was drunk and usually when she was drunk I would yell at her about it but for some reason I didn't do it and that was the last time I ever spoke to her. Did I sell my soul? I don't want to go to hell please help me.
Dear S,
Thank you for your question. Let me first offer my condolences for the passing of your mother, and for the situation you are going through at the moment. From a Buddhist perspective we do not believe in Satan as the embodiment of all that is bad or negative. Rather we believe in karma. Therefore, you saying something and then it coming true in a way is not due to an external force. Instead it is due to karma, on a personal level and on the karmic level of your mothers. Anything we go through in life is due to our karma, which is the results from actions taken in previous lives. While this may not sound fair, there is a positive side to this. We can take control of what happens to us, by taking control of our own life and our actions now.
If I may, I would like to offer you some advice. To begin with you said you suffered from a panic attack. From what you have said, the panic attack would have occurred because of your emotional state in that moment. Within Buddhism, we deal with the transformation of the mind, from states that are controlled by negative emotions to those that are controlled by positive emotions. There are many ways to do this, such as a regular meditation practice, in which you are able to see how your mind works and apply various transformative methods. Another similar method would be to engage in the practices of various deities. One such practice is the Guru Yoga of Lama Tsongkhapa. You can find a commentary to the practice here: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/me/tsongkapas-daily-practice-video-commentary.html, and there is a box set which includes the materials to begin practice, available here: https://www.vajrasecrets.com/tsongkhapa-boxset-english. The practice of Lama Tsongkhapa would be extremely beneficial in your situation, since you have suffered greatly during all of this. The practice is well known for alleviating depressing or angst, and also heals our internal scars due to emotional problems.
This leads on to my next point. You will not go to the hell realms if you live a virtuous life. At the time you also pass, if positive karma is more dominant in your life, and you have spiritual merits, you will be led to a fortunate rebirth instead. This is not to say that your thoughts and speech will have damned you to hell, but simply that this is what Buddhists believe.
You have remorse from what you said or thought, which is actually a good thing. Within Buddhism we believe remorse or regret is one of the four opponent powers necessary to purify negative karma, so we do not experience negative situations in this life or future lives. Any negative actions we have made whether through our physical actions, speech, or thought does have a karmic repercussion, however these can be overcome through purification practices. Such purification practices include Vajrasattva practice (https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/prayers-and-sadhanas/an-important-purification-practice.html), prostration practice (https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/buddhas-dharma/vajrasattva-and-prostrations-transcript.html) or the 35 Confessional Buddhas (https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/buddhas-dharma/the-35-confessional-buddhas.html). Such practices help us a lot along our spiritual journeys and are extremely beneficial in overcoming negative karma.
One thing is for certain, you will not go to hell simply because of what you said. You did not sell your soul to Satan, because from a Buddhist perspective we do not believe in Satan. Rather we believe in karma. Therefore if you believe that you have generated negative karma through your speech, you can engage in purification practices. The other practice mentioned was the Guru Yoga of Lama Tsongkhapa. I think that this practice will be extremely beneficial for you to engage in, as it can help us deal with the most emotionally difficult situations and will bring you a lot of emotional healing that we need to overcome issues such as the one you going through. I hope this helps.
Thank you