Alone During Holidays
Since I left home at 16, most holidays I am alone. Every Lunar New Year, ppl go home to their families, and I don’t really have family to go to or even nearby. So I hang on my own. I am on my own right now. I am not lonely, but it is something to contemplate on.
I have been alone most of my life and I guess I will be for the rest of my life.
Never trust the permanency of company, it will fade and I will be alone. Even when I am with company I am alone, because the true nature of them being around always does not exist. The pain doesn’t come from another, but from myself. My false view that permanency can be real.
Just any company isn’t what I seek. Nor do I seek company. Whatever begins, just ends. Even the so called enjoyment we get from company before it ends, is false. Realizing that, may I achieve a state of realization that brings me to absorbs everyone’s lonliness and they may realize they were never with anyone permanently anyway. Hence, may everyone and myself never be lonely or sad…during holidays or anytime…I am not trying to be sad or happy or find consolation, but just face the facts. I am alone.
Tsem Rinpoche
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1984 Los Angeles-Left to right: Geshe Tsultrim Gyeltsen, His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche, monk assistant to Zong Rinpoche and the 18-year-old Tsem Rinpoche prior to ordination. Read more- https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/category/me
I was walking past a second hand shop on Western Ave selling old things. They had a Japanese-style clay Buddha which was beige in colour on the floor, holding the door open. I thought the shopkeeper would collect a lot of negative karma without knowing if he kept such a holy item on the floor as a doorstop. So I went in to talk to him, but he didn’t look like he wanted to talk or that he even cared. So I asked him the price and he said US$5. I purchased it so he did not collect more negative karma. I was 17 years old and that was in 1982.
I escorted my new Buddha home and washed it lightly and wiped it. I placed it on my altar and was happy with the Buddha. I would do my meditations, prayers, sadhanas, mantras and prostrations in front of this shrine daily. When I left for India in 1987, I could not bring this Buddha along and gave it to a friend. It was a nice size and I made offerings to this Buddha for many years in Los Angeles. In front of the Buddha I placed His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s photo. I remember I was so relieved that the price was affordable. But US$5 that time was still expensive for me but worth it I thought. But I was happy to have brought the Buddha home. Tsem Rinpoche
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Tsem Rinpoche at Kechara Forest Retreat, Bentong, Malaysia
When I was younger I have family yet I do feel lonely at times but not now anymore even when I am alone. Where my children had grown up working outstation. I’ve never been lonely as I do keep in mind that to avoid loneliness I try to occupy myself since retirement. I have been independent and fighting all alone bring up my late sister’s children and then my family . In life, all of us go through a phase when we feel like we are all alone. Loneliness is my least favourite thought about life. But actually we are alone if focus on things which makes our happy and meaningful. Learning and practicing Dharma is the right choice .
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your thoughts been alone.
Thankful that Rinpoche has a group of devoted students who can accompany Rinpoche during these days. At least, not so lonely nowadays although ultimately one must learn to be alone such as in retreat and especially during the crucial time – when death draws near.
农历新年我还未曾试过单独一人，我也有家人朋友，但是农历新年我都希望安静度过。我也不喜欢拜年，我只觉得新年应该是把过去没睡够觉全部补回来。嘻嘻！或是知识摊在床上什么也不做，只发白日梦。
Thank you Rinpoche for this post.
It is so true that most of us all want to have someone near / next to us, we prefer to have company than having to be alone. The sound of silence can be very intimidating. And it is especially so during festive seasons when almost everyone has another person by their sides, or sometimes it is family with lots of laughter. Seeing or hearing these can be hurtful.
Yet, we all have to recognise that, truly, just like what Rinpoche has said, “never trust the permanency of company, it will fade…” Anyway, all things in life are impermanent.
If I can do good on my own, and not having to rely on the companion of others to give me a false sense of security, it is better than having to go through companionship which we thought to be so enjoyable and yet one fine day I will have to wake up from this dream, which can be painful.
I guess, perhaps, we have to generate happiness within ourselves. To be independent is so important in this world of constant change.
Thank you Rinpoche for this post. I believe that it is important to contemplate on loneliness because everyone would have experienced this state of mind at one point or another in their lives.
Life in Shanghai is a typical metropolitan: very upbeat, fast paced and full of people. If one chooses, one can always find a person to hang out with, something to get busy with, some where to go etc…However, at the end of all these activity, one is often lonely. In fact, before I had the good fortune to hear Rinpoche’s Dharma teachings, I distracted myself with all these engagements: going out at every opportunity to avoid being alone, surrounding myself with all sorts of people who did not even remember my name and going to places I did not truly like. Despite all the efforts to “fill up” my life, it was very empty and lonely. In fact, those months were the loneliest times of my life.
This whirlwind stopped when I started to listen to Rinpoche’s Dharma teachings. The Dharma taught me to enjoy my own company. The Dharma gave me the courage to listen to my own thoughts and develop some patience to contemplate. This does NOT mean that the Dharma teaches one to be a recluse. In fact, in overcoming the fear of loneliness, one becomes better when interacting with other people because one does NOT do it to fill in a gap…as there is no gap (or loneliness) to fill. Therefore, when interacting with people, a person who is not afraid of loneliness develops the ability to contribute to others. In other words, we give instead of take.
It is very healthy to embrace alone-ness. In summary, I learnt that loneliness is not caused by being alone; loneliness is caused by the emptiness one feels from the lack of contribution one makes to others.
Dearest Rinpoche,
Well..let me share mine lonesome with you….although i am staying with family but i am feeling alone, emotional depressed, didn’t want to meet anybody..i have a Problem, HUGE PROBLEM that i cannot tell any single soul in this earth…and this make me CRAZY!
Although i am not Single…but i am LONESOME all the time…why? because i am the “OTHER WOMEN” for somebody’s husband…its always sounds bad to be the “other women” …i force myself to stop. but it failed…Love is a “DRUG” that is HARD to find an ANTIDOTE!
i am so sorry my dear Rinpoche,i hope u dont mind coz i am so depressed until i have no idea how to express myself to other people…i hope here can help me.
For 4 years being the “mistress”, and pls believe me…”mistress” not always the bad person..they just fall in love with the wrong guy at the wrong timing! Nobody wish to share their private stuff to others!
many people will curse the “BAD WOMEN”….but believe me, that bad women have sorrow feelings too, depression, lonesome nite too! and BAD LUCK too!…Not every “OTHER WOMEN” behave like what everybody seen on TV Movies!
I am fragile and i am so sad until i do not know how to express…when i choose to stop this relationship,i feel my inner devil will come and use A KNIFE CUT THRU THE HEART. its very hurt!
Most of the time i behave bubbly in front of people. But i am exhausted! thats why i choose to be alone all the time…nobody will see me cry or bad mood…i dont want to let anybody know what happen to me!
PLease ignore this message if you feel not comfortable with my status.
thanks again
regards,
Ms Cocoa
Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this Rinpoche, that’s a very compassionate post.
Being alone and feeling lonely are two different type of feelings. You can still feel happy when you are alone. You feel unhappy if you are lonely. I liked being alone. There are the pros and cons of being alone. When you are sick and if you are alone its quite scary to think that there is no one to help you in times of need. There was one situation that happens to my friend. He is from outstation and is living alone all the time. Then something happens to him and nobody knows. It was a week later the neighbours notice foul smell coming from his house. And notify the police straight away. And they found my friend had died for a week without anybody’s knowledge.
You were born alone, an orphan of the world, but always you were a child of dharma.
I understand what you write. It’s not that you are sad necessarily, it is hard to swallow how alone alone is. It is part of being human. It is part of being confined to flesh and senses, and yet… what is the alternative.
I learned the other day that dharma is not subject to impermanence. So perhaps you are alone, dear Rinpoche, but you are never alone, because you are a child of light, bringing dharma to the world.
Everyone who has not conquered what makes them most kind (i.e. the insanity and pain that you habituate into ways of “being”) will feel lonely. Whether they can put it to words or not. My dogs feel lonely, when they can’t communicate what they want, when I have to leave, it just hurts, they cry and bay at the door? Why? They have no words to put to loneliness.
It is indeed one way to look at life, you did come into the world alone. But you were always ready to do so, and have proven this with your life’s work. The only way you can awaken, as well as suffer, is alone.
I’ve always said, “Everything that happens inside, happens in the dark” it’s not till it’s already happened that the effect is visible to the naked eye of the casual observer.
Your kindness shows me the deep deeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep pain you have faced daily in your youth. You can only be so kind if you know the meaning of life’s worth through the filter of your perception. Past perception there is just being, right?
What is alone but another perception, dearest kindest Rinpoche. Just another om-girl’s two cents for the little they worth.. it’s as good as I got thus far.
_/|\_
D.Ogyen
Dear Rinpoche,
Tashi Delek. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.
All my life, I was never really alone but come to think of it, I guess I am always lonely deep down inside. I always try my best to appear bright and happy to others just to cover up my true feelings of loneliness and betrayal deep down inside me and I couldn’t even tell a single soul.
I do not wish Rinpoche to absorb my loneliness. I sincerely wish that Rinpoche and all Rinpoche in this world will be happy and joyful forever.
You’ll feel better after singing this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xh_9QhRzJEs&playnext=1&list=PL7296CCD92F23A5A2
I wish Rinpoche will never have to be alone every Lunar Year. Rinpoche, you are part of our family and Rinpoche please come to join us during the festive time. It will be wonderful. We may be distance apart but you will always be in our hearts.
I wish Rinpoche well during this Lunar Year. Gong Xi Fa Cai.
Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t know how to help you. Being alone, like you said, is not being lonely. But a company of birds singing would help. Even water falling would be great. I have been lonely in a crowd before, and I have also been alone. Between the two, and I have to choose, I’d rather be alone than lonely.
My best to you and I hope one day our paths will cross.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I am alone for every holiday, every birthday, every day and night actually. I spent the last 21 years raising my daughter so when she moved away last year, it was very hard at first. I’ve always thought of myself as being a solitary person however the reality set in about 6 months after she left and I realized I was really alone for the first time in my life. It isn’t always a bad thing for me and I do have my good friends, Houdini and GrisGris which provide a lot of comfort for me however not much for conversations. I am trying to be in the moment and as His Eminence has said, nothing is permanent anyway so I’m trying to remember that. I confess that I still have moments of pity for myself. I’m working on this.
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for posting this insightful note. Some friends of mine are real party folks (well, this is Scotland, after all – New Year began on January 1st and should end some time this weekend!). I notice that these friends seem really uncomfortable when the party stops and they are left alone; there’s not much love for silent contemplation.
I, on the other hand, prefer to be alone. I like sitting in silence and just contemplating on various things; if I’m too long in a crowd, I feel as uncomfortable as my friends do when they’re sat alone.
I’ve come to realse that we can create unnecessary suffering when we wish things to be a certain way. I don’t mind being in crowds or at parties, but given the choice, I prefer being alone. However, on reflection, it seems best to develop an equanimous mind; whatever is happening is happening because, as you say, the view of permanence is false.
I guess, as with most things, we are perhaps attached to how we like ourselves and surroundings to be. This seems to be a pretty shaky position to be in, purely because everything passes. If I’m alone, fine; if I’m in a crowd, fine. Perhaps a calmer, more patient and tolerant mind can manifest through the development of equanimity.
I hope you find peace in solitude and warmth in company, Rinpoche – thank you for your thoughts.
Kind regards,
Sandy