Guest Contributors – Gabriel
Article submitted by Gabriel
[TO BE VOTED ON! The article or video with the most number of views by 21 April 2013 will win a Manjushri statue!]
Submitted article for “BLOG COMPETITION: Invite back a Manjushri statue!”
While my external life has always been easy and comfortable, even as a child, I had severe depressions starting at the age of about 9 years old. I did not fully understand what was going on within myself back then, I only knew that I was sad, depressed and often had suicidal thoughts. The world seemed like a dark and ugly place to me. For a long time no one, including myself, could understand why I was so depressed because my situation was in many ways ideal (loving parents, comfortable economic situation, good school grades, etc.). It took me quite a long time to find the Dharma and to finally start to understand the root of my issues, and that while I projected an outward image of being nice and peaceful, inwardly I was deeply attached to my own comfort and feeling entitled while not getting what I think I deserved. In fact after almost ten years in Dharma I still struggle with those things, but my resolve not to give up and to continue trying until I succeed continues to increase.
I was fortunate enough to find a Dharma centre and teacher relatively quickly after I found the Dharma. The first time I saw Khensur Rinpoche I just knew. I knew I had found what I was looking for all my life, and that I would follow him until my death. When I approached him on the throne after teaching to offer the kata, I remember shaking uncontrollably and being on the verge of tears. Now it’s been almost ten years and I am still confident that I have made the right choice.
After first meeting with my teacher, I had this feeling that everything would be all right. However in my head, I thought that from this point on everything would be smooth and wonderful, and that I would peacefully progress on the path of Dharma until I reach some higher level of spiritual attainment.
The Sutras say that when you engage into the Dharma, there are many obstacles that arise. And, in my own experience, I am forced to face the things I didn’t want to face or had been avoiding all my life. In some way those obstacles are blessings in disguise, difficult situations that force you to progress. I am far from being a great practitioner of Dharma, but over the years I have found that if I just persevere, even though I might have freak-outs or become desperate at times, in the end my mind does improve and over time I am able to deal with things that I wasn’t able to deal with before. My Guru used to tease me and tell me “cannot” all the time, and looking back I have no doubt that from the start he already knew that I needed to become more courageous and learn how to not to give up. He stopped teasing me after I took the resolve to get back up as many times as needed until I actually succeed.
In this aspect, Tsem Rinpoche’s teaching has also been very helpful, and now I know that even if I fail 1000 times, if I do not give up and succeed the 1001th time, in the end I will have succeeded. When I feel discouraged because problems and difficult situations seem to come without end in sight, remembering this has been very helpful.
I would also take this chance to express my gratitude to His Eminence Tsem Tulku Rinpoche for his teachings and the kindness of his students in making them available for the world to benefit. My own teacher was born in Tibet in the 1930s and in many ways is very traditional, and being a westerner growing up in North America, there are many times I did not understand things which are granted for people of oriental background. I was fortunate enough to have some close Dharma friends to explain many things to me and to have met with His Eminence Tsem Tulku Rinpoche’s teachings through the internet, which have clarified a lot of things for me. In fact, looking back on the past few years, I think I could have damaged my relationship with my Guru severely if it wasn’t for Tsem Rinpoche’s teachings, and for that I am immensely grateful. I sincerely wish that one day I can meet Rinpoche in person.
Lastly, I do not think that I particularly deserve to win the blog contest. In fact, reading the other entries I can easily tell what many of them deserve it more than me, as my issues are only internal and self-created. My only wish is that my words might be read by Tsem Rinpoche and that this creates the causes for us to meet in the future.
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No worries, I’m also under-going what you’re going through. It’s comforting to know that these are just growing pains. 🙂
Dear Gabriel,
Thank you for sharing your personal journey here so openly with others.
Living life like many others (eat, drink and sleep) is simple, because it is a life lived without much trying, thoughts and perseverance. Dharma is the truth, if we learn and practice, we will become better people, create values for ourselves and the causes for better conditions for ourselves and others in both the present and the future.
May we progress in our Dharma learning and practicing and be of benefits for others.
Thank you for your sincere and heartfelt sharing in this article, Gabriel. Rinpoche’s teachings here on his blog have really helped so many people and your sharing is yet another perspective of how he has helped you, especially in your samaya with your Guru. That is wonderful. As you know, Tsem Rinpoche’s life has always been the epitome of never giving up the Dharma, no matter what happens, and I see that you share that tenacity also. I wish you much success on your Dharma journey and do come back to Rinpoche’s blog often!
Gabriel… thank you! Your story was sincerely honest and inspiring to read of your courage. I congratulate you for this! Yes it is true what you say and very true that our Tsem Rinpoche does advice and push us in this same light… “even if I fail 1000 times, if I do not give up and succeed the 1001th time, in the end I will have succeeded.” Being under Rinpoche’s guidance and a student of Rinpoche for over a decade… this has been a consistent quality in Rinpoche and in training his close students to become. Perhaps it is part of the Tantric and Boddhisattva vows… to never give up on anyone/anything 🙂
I applaud you in your path and yes you definitely have made the right choice towards a path that of true peace and happiness… Dharma! Never give up on your practice, and the best way to practice is when your Guru is not around. This is what Rinpoche always tells 🙂
So all the best in your practice… I wish you great success and attainments!
Gabriel, your ability to express yourself in the form of words is very amazing. It takes a lot of courage to write such a beautiful piece. I really think that this article has the potential to inspire many. You have never given up, so don’t ever give up. At the final paragraph, you mention yourself to be unworthy and it shows you are extremely humble and I believe you really deserve to win!
Thanks Sean, btw great work on this blog, I check it pretty much everyday 🙂
In truth what I really wish is to build up a connection with Tsem Rinpoche. Being halfway around the world and busy with my local Dharma centre, there is not much I can do to support Kechara apart from purchasing and making offerings online. The statue would be nice as a symbol of connection coming from Tsem Rinpoche but in the end just having Rinpoche knowing that I wish to establish a connection with him is good enough :))
Dear Gabriel, Thank you for such a wonderful post. I enjoyed reading it very much. Yes, perseverance is the key to all. Never ever give up nor choose samsara over our spiritual path. I am happy you persevered, follow through and continuing to excel. Like you, I was depressed at times too last time, then I found Rinpoche’s teachings and it changed my whole perspective and opened up a whole new world! It was just amazing and the most beautiful teachings I will ever get. I would not forget what Rinpoche have done and I would never give up on my spiritual path too no matter what obstacles. May you continue to excel and find peace in your spiritual path.
Dear Gabriel,
Thank you for your very honest and soulful writing. I respect your persistence in Dharma and it is very true that in Dharma we have to face ourselves against the truth acquired from the Buddha’s teachings and realize that in fact we are the only source of all our problems. Therein lies the practice I guess – to overcome our own mind. Sometimes it can appear difficult not because Dharma is hard, but because we are so reluctant to transform and after having know the truth, we can no longer, and indeed, should no longer be comfortable in our delusions and ignorance. Tsem Rinpoche’s counsel to everyone is always, “Never give up”.
You may also enjoy another of Tsem Rinpoche’s teachings that has been recorded, Milarepa & Our Neurotic Mind, which was given in Nepal in 2008. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHOsTA7PDT0
I hope that you will continue to learn and practice the Dharma and also participate on this blog frequently.
Best regards,
Thanks for all the comments and encouragement guys! It is quite difficult to convey the whole of my internal journey in under 800 words, but I hope overall my article doesn’t come across as too much of a downer.
As some of you guys mentionned, in fact when looking back I find I have been very lucky as I keep meeting conditions that, in the end, result in only pushing me more towards practicing Dharma. Even my depression in the end turned out to keep me on the Dharma path as none of the other “normal” avenues people engage in to try to make themselves happy didn’t work for me. So I had to just keep trying and trying to practice. Tsem Rinpoche also taught about this, saying that sometimes difficult circumstances are the result of good karma as the ultimate result is that your Dharma practice increases. This is just another thing Tsem Rinpoche taught that just made something in my mind click and helped me to move forward in my Dharma practice.
I also totally agree that your Guru is the most important aspect of one’s life, in fact to maintain a true Samaya with your Guru you have to sacrifice a lot and exert yourself. There is nothing that can compare to meeting a true Guru and having the opportunity to follow him because it results in the transformation of your mind.
Well I better stop writing or this comment will be as long as my article 😛
Thanks everyone for the good wishes and I also wish you swift success in your Dharma practice! The Dharma path is a one-way street so just stay on it and you’ll get there!!
Dear Gabriel,
I enjoyed reading your article and it is very touching and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story of determination and not giving up. You do deserve a statue and I hope you get it!
Mavis
Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us. I am truly glad that you managed to meet your Guru and belong to a centre where the place is conducive for you to do Dharma. We will all face difficulties while doing Dharma… because the work that we’re doing is something that will benefit many.
I’m glad to see you making a connection with Tsem Rinpoche and also shared with us how Rinpoche’s teachings have helped you in your spiritual journey. But remember your Guru should be the most important of all in your life, for it is through devotion to our root Guru where all attainments and great merits arises.
I wish you luck in your practice. =)
Dear Garbriel
I am very happy and inspired by what you have achieved though you had undergone so much struggle on the way. You have never given up your determination, but you kept continuing! That itself is a blessing and in fact the obstacles become support for ones practice if one knows how to tackle the problem. I hope and pray that your wish of meeting Tsem Rinpoche may come true. Moreover I wish and pray for your smooth progress in your Dharmae Practice!
Thank you
Samten Lhemdup
Dear Gabriel,
I truly salute your courage in opening up your heart to us. It takes a lot to write such a personal and dark piece like this. I really like your article and I think it would benefit and inspire many.
I hope that you would find your inner peace and ultimately your happiness through Dharma. Not too sure if this will help but am going to share with you my favourite video of Tsem Rinpoche. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbMFtzTGgkE
Hi Sharon… is the youtube video you posted here about prostration? Tsem Tulku Rinpoche teaches PROSTRATION (1 of 2)? Just checking that this was your favourite video 🙂