Question asked by D
Please guide me. My boyfriends mother is very controlling and dominant person. we are about to get married in few years as we are reaching age .i love him but i am very scared of his mother. She does not like me i feel. Everytime my boyfriend introduces me to his mother she tries to ignore my presence. I have helped her son, my boyfriend a lot in his life and he told her many times how helpful i am but all she says is forget about her and concentrate on your life.it really hurts me i have cried a lot because of her. My boyfriend is very scared of his mother and never speaks up nor stands up for me,..
Dear D,
Thank you for your question. I am sorry you are having these problems with your boyfriend’s mother. Dealing with the relatives of our partner can be a difficult experience especially if they seem not to like you at the moment. However, since you love your boyfriend you need to battle through these emotions so you can continue and further your relationship with him. Though it may be hard to do this, we must come at the situation from a compassionate angle, and that is your boyfriend’s mother is extremely attached to her son. It is most likely for this reason that acts like she does not like you. Rather than getting caught up in the emotions that you are feeling, you need to find a way to distance yourself from the hurt and come at this situation from a more logical perspective. Your boyfriend’s mother is so caught up in her attachment that she cannot see what is right in front of her, that her son has chosen you to be his life partner. Though she wants him to be happy, she is projecting what she thinks will make him happy on to you. But the thing she has failed to realise, is that what makes him happy is being with you and that is why he is with you. Being with you is what makes him happy, and you should remember this and feel compassion towards his mother who is stuck in her own projections of what she thinks will make him happy. In fact, just by being with you, he is showing her that you are what makes him happy and this is something you should remember when her actions and behaviour makes you feel sad.
If you are a practicing Buddhist there are practices that can aid you on a spiritual level, but you also need to put effort in to solve the situation yourself. These practices will make whatever you do more effective as long as you have a good motivation.
The practice I recommend is the practice of Tara. Tara is the embodiment of compassion and is known as the mother of all Buddhas. You can read more about her here: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/buddhas-dharma/cittamani-tara.html. This prayers in this post are for those who have the initiation, as explained in the article itself. However there is a section towards the end of the article named “Additional Prayers to Tara” these can be recited by those without initiation. His Eminence Tsem Rinpoche recommends the practice of Tara a lot for people who are having relationship problems with loved ones. Her practice brings a lot of peaceful and yet beneficial energies into our lives. Her mantra which you can recite is: OM TARE TUTTARE TURE SOHA.
More than this, His Eminence has given an excellent teaching, available here: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/students-friends/ingredients-for-a-successful-relationship.html which is all about how to make a relationship meaningful. After all, it is the relationship you have with your boyfriend that is the most important in your life if you are going to spend the rest of your lives together. I hope this helps. Thank you.