Question asked by Meg
Hi.
Having committed an offence towards my parents in ignorance and fear, I often feel immense guilt.
Though it occurred in childhood, and was not done intentionally to cause hurt at all, it still disturbs the mind a lot.
It was a really stupid mistake, which spiralled out of control, but the effects are still being felt. There is a lot of trouble in concentration in meditation and even in everyday life due to remorse over the fact that people got emotionally hurt.
How can I accept and move past this thing which is troubling me? I understand I was a child and in a lot of pain which caused me to make bad decisions but one of my parents seems to hate me, really hate me since then. There is a lot of hostility by that parent and I don't know what to do.
I'm really depressed. I think I've been for a long time now.
Though I'm glad I've found Buddha's teachings but sometimes it still feels like its too much to take in. Which makes me feel worse as I know a lot of people went through worse like rinpoche… But I'm just so weak.
Dear Meg,
Thank you for your question and I am sorry that this happened, and that you are still feeling the effects of it even today. Unfortunately, the way the world works is that we all have expectations which cloud our mind and judge the way that we react. This is the true meaning of “ignorance” that the Buddha taught and should us a way out of. We react from this ignorance and when we do that, when things do not live up to our expectations, this makes us upset and in this case angry. This applies not only to you when took that original action, but also to your parent who became angry that you did not live up to their expectations as it were. However, this applies to all of us, in all our situations in life. That is what Buddha meant when he said, we all suffer.
There are two methods with which to come at this situation, and both should be used in conjunction. The first, which you may have probably already tried, is to discuss the situation with that particular parent. The best way is to create an peaceful environment and sit your parent down, and tell them you are being honest, apologise again for the incident, and then explain how you have been feeling since then. Though this sounds like it won’t probably work, if you are honest, this actually has a very big impact. This is something that I have done before with my own parents, so I know that it works. In the end we were able to move past the incident and the subsequent emotions that followed it.
The second is to engage in a practice, for this I would like to suggest you for you to engage in the practice of Lama Tsongkhapa combined with the Dharma Protector Dorje Shugden. You can find the prayers here: https://www.dorjeshugden.org/practice/diamond-path-a-daily-sadhana-of-dorje-shugden
The reasons for this particular set of prayers is that this incident has left an emotional toil on your mind, making you depressed. The practice of Lama Tsongkhapa is known to be extremely beneficial for such situations, while Dorje Shugden can help to remove the obstacles in your life so that you and your parent can move past this. Through a regular daily practice, it will also be source of strength for you. You should concentrate on the mantra recitation, and recite as many mantras as you can each day.
I sincerely pray that this will be of some benefit and you are able to move forward past this phase to something better.