Question asked by Andreas NS
Good evening Pastors of Kechara. I want to ask something about how I must act in some situation in my life. My Birth Buddha is Chenrezig and since I was little kid I have tendency to help people until the level some people "take advantage of me". That's why my mother nurtured me to be stoic and said a big "NO" for people like that and that was I did before I met the Dharma.
But now I met the Dharma, sometimes I feel guilty to say big "NO" to some people. My "NO" answer have tendency to be "wrathful" and there is head of department in my office that like to "take advantage" to young lecturers like me to do his jobs and he will take all credits. Some day ago he asked me for help and I say big "NO" even I say it with a bit anger because some seniors (this seniors urgently need more of my help because they infected with Covid and their job almost on deadline) asking me to help them until I stay on late for days and almost miss my daily sadhana.
So how must I act toward this head of department? Shall I act stoic or wrathful as always but pray for his happiness? Or must I help him sometimes because he may be need my help? But how if my help is only add his delusions in Samsara?
Thank you very much Pastors and good evening.
Dear Andreas NS,
A big part of Dharma practice is learning how to react in certain situations. Generally speaking, Dharma practitioners help as much as possible. However, in this case is doesn’t mean that you give in to others people’s demands and become like a door mat. That is not what Buddhist practice is about.
Sometimes, we have to decline helping other people because they are taking advantage of us. But this must be done in a polite manner. It is not wrathful nor is it stoic. When you decline you should calmly express your opinion and why are cannot help at that moment. In addition, if you really cannot help that person how they need help and they won’t accept any other way of you helping them, then in Buddhism we are taught to pray for that person. Dedicate merits from your practice to that person so that they learn not to use people like that, that they develop compassion towards the people that they are using instead. In this manner, we also develop compassion for that person.
When we are in that situation, we may be overcome with anger or other emotions. The Dharma teaches us to be patient and compassionate towards others, but this doesn’t mean letting them use us. By praying for them, you are helping them because they are blessed by the enlightened beings and at the same time it also helps you to develop compassion for them, and so helps get rid of any negative emotion you may be feeling towards them. I hope this helps. Thank you.