Question asked by Shawn
I would like to ask a question which is more of an issue I've been facing in my life. I'm sure it's a question a lot of people may have, and I hope you can help me, and many others by answering this.
For the past many years since I've hit puberty, I haven't been able to find a relationship or have sex with a woman. It's very weird to me simply because I do not seem to have any qualities in me which would normally be considered as "unattractive" – this is both, as far as personality and looks are concerned.
I'm almost 26 years old now, and it's a bit shameful for me to even say this, but the fact is that I'm a virgin. I've been struggling with this for a very long time now, and it has affected a lot of things in my life including my dharma practice. I am a very passionate dharma practitioner and a creative person, but I'm unable to express myself fully due to being so much repressed.
I would like to know a few things and gain some insight into my problem:
1) Is my lack, or no success in finding a relationship due to a bad karma in a past life? I mean, is there a possibility of sexual misconduct in a past life due to which I am suffering so much?
2) Is there a way for me to cut or destroy the negative karma?
3) Also, how can I carry the mindset of benefiting all sentient beings, when there's a desire in me which is almost uncontrollable. For example say I have sex with a woman in future. How am I supposed to carry the desire to "benefit" that woman (as a fellow sentient being) along with the desire for sexual satisfaction for myself. (This is the last, but a very important question, so I'm expecting an answer to this one, if not the above two)
As I'm writing this, I have tears rolling down my eyes simply because I feel there's so much potential inside of me that I just cannot express due to my sexual repression. I want a Buddhist perspective on this problem simply because I'm tired of all the advice I've read and heard from the Internet. Your answer would mean a lot, and this is my last resort probably, simply because if a Buddhist cannot answer this, then probably nobody can answer this.
Your answer to this, will not only help me overcome this particular issue, but it will also be helpful in every other aspect of my life including my career.
Dear Shawn,
As for the 1st part of your question, everything that happens to us is the result of karma from previous lives, from where we are born and the situation we are put in. Everyone has both good karma and bad karma, it depends on the causes and conditions for different karma to open and manifest. However, the point of Buddhist practice is to break through this karma, changing our life situations through our own effort and spiritual practice.
For the 2nd part, yes there are many ways to cut or destroy negative karma. These include what are called purification practices, which basically purify negative karma and cut them off in a controlled manner. Most Buddhist practice, both deity practices and transformational practices such as Lojong or mind training, necessarily involve the purification of negative karma and the accumulation of merit, necessary for our spiritual journey towards enlightenment.
As for the 3rd and most important part of your question, you seem to know the answer already. The desire for a partner is exactly that, a desire. From a Buddhist perspective desire is based on the ego. If we want to benefit all sentient beings, then we have to lessen the ego as it stops us from equalising all beings so that we can benefit them. But please remember that we have to start off slowly to benefit others, it is a very gradual process and we need to train ourselves steadily but surely that takes time. It is something we work on slowly, it cannot be achieved instantly.
I am very sorry to hear that this has affected you in your life so much, may I suggest that you engage strongly in the practice of the Guru Yoga of Lama Tsongkhapa. This practice is very well known for calming the mind troubled by very heavy emotional turmoil. This will help you tremendously. Please do not hesitate to ask more questions if you need more information.