Question asked by Tina bulsara
Dear Rinpoche, my name is Tina and I’m from Australia. I thought I would send a message as I had a question but I will understand if I don’t get a response as I am sure you’re inundated with many emails etc. my question was how do you respond to people who use you eg. If someone has money in their pocket but asks you for money or someone does not want to complete a task but may ask you due to laziness. Do you reinforce these habits or say no? The idea I get from your amazing teachings is compassion for others but we also should have wisdom. We always talk about helping others. The same applies for a monastery- there is always a gatekeeper otherwise the entire world could ask to stay for free in a Monastery. Your thoughts would help me understand a few things. Thanks Tina
Dear Tina Bulsara,
Thank you for your question. You have asked a very good question and I’ll try to answer it as best as I can. In short, yes you do have to practice compassion, but at the same time you should also give the victory to others (as stated in the Mind Training teachings). This however is not one or the other, but there needs to be a balance.
There is no one answer to this question that will cover all situations. That is for you decide as you will know the situations better. In the case where someone is obviously using you for something, you should not continue letting them do so. They should respect you, and at the same time you should respect them. So if you need to reply to someone and tell them that you are not going to help them, you should do so in a calm manner, not one that is full of emotion or when you are irritated. In these cases things will not turn out well if the situation is handled through emotion rather than logic. This is even more so the case when their habits have a negative impact on others, like they seem to be having on you.
In Buddhist practice in order to help others around us overcoming their habits that may cause harm, one must first develop both wisdom and compassion. Both of these are developed first through study, and meditation, and then only implementation in cases like those you mentioned. This is because even though we think we might be doing the right thing, we might be making the situation first.
Even though this is the case, if you feel like you are being used, then of course you should say something. However, thinking about the task that is being asked of you, is it a good task or not? Then it is up to you whether you want to do it or not. Unfortunately, there is no answer that I can give that will give you an immediate solution. I hope this helps in some way. If you do have further questions, please do ask.