I Want My Pain to Last… Forever
I am inspired by how much we are all very absorbed with our relationships and the emotions which follow that dictate what we think is the “absolute truth”. Many times we end up all twisted and stuck. Personally, there is no absolute solution for the absolute pain we hold on to but I can only share my journey in hopes that we will find a solution and enjoy the journey.
This is a hypothetical conversation between Mr. Ego and Ms. Wisdom, which may sound familiar to some of us…
Wisdom: “Please do not get all worked up. Look at the bigger scale of things. Would you prefer living a lie? From a bigger perspective, you should think how fortunate you are.”
Ego: “What? Are you kidding? My world has just fallen apart! My partner has just cheated on me with my best friend. I am in so much pain. How can you ask me to feel lucky when I have been betrayed and hurt? I have lost time, energy and effort on this relationship!”
Wisdom: “What happened is not fair of course, but it is really not the end of the world…I mean ‘your world’. If you keep thinking negatively, how will you heal? Pain and issues like this are great opportunities to learn and be stronger.”
Ego: “But… it means I have wasted the last 5 years of my life. It is not fair. I want to get even!”
Wisdom: “How will getting even make you heal? It will only create more pain and suffering for you and them. The situation will open up more wounds. Emotions will flare up, words will be spoken only to be regretted later. Because of the law of Cause and Effect, there will be repercussions if you act from anger that comes from the hurt. Isn’t it better to know the truth now rather than later?”
Ego: “I can’t think too much now about anything other than my pain.”
And we all know how these conversations go. It just keeps going round and round, like a dog chasing its own tail, with no end in sight. Situations involving highly charged emotions are never pleasant, and we have all had our share of these traumatic experiences. Haven’t we? I know I have.
Betrayal, love lost, hurt, pain, humiliation, anger, jealousy… you name it, we have at one time or another indulged obsessively in these negative emotions. But guess what, we didn’t die from it, at least physically. Emotionally, many of us may have reached a place where we can only be diagnosed as “numb”. Some of us might even still be there and have not moved on from whatever hurt us.
Regardless of whether you are wearing your pain on your face, or pretending you are not hurting, the big question to ask is, “Where do we go from here?” A relationship filled with love and romance is probably the one thing we all want so badly that it blinds us and renders us emotionally and mentally irrational or unstable. When the romance begins, we are on “Cloud Nine” as the saying goes, and everything is beautiful and faultless. We even regard the person’s flaws as charming until time wears down the bewitchment and the same thing that was once charming is now annoying.
I was once very much in love with a man whom I labeled my “soul mate”, and I strongly believed it was true then. As time passed, it did not work out. His intelligence that I once was attracted to, became a skill he used to push me out of his life. The charming intelligence became a cutting coldness. It hurt. I cried. I lost my self-respect. I felt like the dumbest woman on the planet. I was devastated. It felt like the “end of the world”. I wanted to run him over with a big car! It took me a couple of years to heal and accept that it was not meant to be, and to stop thinking that relationships suck.
Relationships do not suck; how I managed myself sucked. I willingly consented to be a victim and for my hurt and pain to blind me and tell me that my happiness depended on him and the relationship with him. In that thought that I abided in, I was at my most delusional state. The truth is, my happiness is within myself and when I am happy with myself, I can have meaningful relationships with anyone, and it was not about him.
What made me come to my senses (and this is without running him over with a big car) was this realization:
“In life we love and we hurt. And we think it’s all about us. Who we loved, loved us too. As we hurt, they hurt too. Life is fair, but maybe not at the time we want it to be.”
The above is only one example of a relationship and it does not have to be limited to lovers, boyfriends, girlfriends and couples. Relationships also include those we have with friends and family, which can turn sour as well. We have lost friends from misunderstandings that we were too proud to forgive and forget. We left it to brew and stew, and with time the situation was beyond repair.
For some of us, the list of failed relationships seem to keep building. We have to ask ourselves, when do we stop accumulating failed relationships and start piling up fantastic relationships? We need to stop carrying our negative experiences into the next relationship. Most of all, we must manage our expectations – have none of the other person. Note that taking our negative experiences like hurt and anger into the next relationship is basically expecting the worst, and it will end up just like that. And, be realistic. Much easier said than done, trust me I know. But if we do not make that conscious choice now, when will we begin to accumulate positive relationships? Life is too short to keep having failed relationships and friendships.
Choose to let go of the past and of our angst. Let’s give ourselves a chance to make a positive impact by changing our attitude. We want to be happy and we are not an island, therefore the relationships we have now, and will have in the future, are dependent on our conscious choices every moment we are involved.
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